Capitol Girl
by Moheh
Summary: Helena Vannite comes from a family that is considered well-to-do even within the Capitol. All her life she's gotten what she wants and is used to being the center of attention. Through her popular internet series, she broadcasts news about the Hunger Games and even interviews Tributes on occasion. Everything in her life is perfect, that is, until the Districts rebel.
1. Chapter 1

As the hovercraft prepares for its descent, I take out my compact one more time to check if that unruly strand of hair has settled into place yet. I could ask Orion but somehow he never sees my flaws, the sweetie. I guess that's why he always says I'm perfect.

Turning my compact up, I find the hair standing defiantly in the same position as twenty minutes ago before I pressed it down. If I were back home I could gloss some gel over it but alas, all of my things are packed away and far beneath me and I won't be able to get to them until tonight. In the corner of my mirror, I see Orion getting my recorder out while everyone else begins putting their things away. Tilting my mirror further, I watch a woman to my far right, who's sporting some rather lovely leopard spots, zip up her purse for longer than I'm actually interested before I force my attention back onto myself. I know what I have to do and I know I'm stalling, but I don't think I can do it. I don't think I've ever had to willfully injure myself. My lip starts to tremble and I feel a thin sheen of sweat appear above it. Panicking, I wipe it away with a finger. I can't start sweating now! That's disgusting! I look back at the hair again, knowing I have no choice. I try to be brave, like Katniss, and am able to muster a firm enough resolve to steady my shaking hand and pluck the offending hair from the rest of its complacent sisters.

The sharp pain lasts for a long moment before it becomes a throbbing ache. I can't remember the last time I've hurt so much. I look at my pinched fingers to stare at the hair that caused me such heartache, but it's gone. I must have dropped it because when I check my head again, there's no visible sign of it.

While I'm still trapped in my bubble of pain, oblivious to where I am or what I was doing, I feel someone catch my still pinched and outstretched hand and look up blinking in confusion. And then I see Orion's face drawing me back into myself and a bright world. He's pouting at me, having obviously seen what I had to do. He always hates it when I get hurt. Leaning toward me as much as his straps allow, he gently pulls my face down to kiss the sore spot.

"Thanks, Gucci," I say.

It's my nickname for him. I came up with it myself. Orion. Orion's belt. Gucci belt. Gucci. Get it? I also like it because it sounds like goochi goochi goo, the sound adults make to mimic babies, although I've never heard a baby make any sounds remotely similar to that, but then I'm not around too many babies. Who is? Except the nursery workers. But I know what they inspire, pure love, and Orion is my darling baby, but I don't tell him that because he'd get mad at me.

His soft lips have replaced the sting and I smile up at him then into my compact. As Orion would say, I look perfect. I must admit though, that that has as much to do with my father as with me. Last week Daddy got me another teeth whitening. He said in my last few videos they hadn't shown as brightly as the star I am.

I put my compact away as we land and soon after we're allowed to take off our straps. Standing up, Orion and I get in a little stretching with the other passengers before the doors open. Although I've gone to arenas every year since I was four and have been coming without my parents for the last three years, I always still feel a thrill of excitement, whether the games were that exciting or not, and if it weren't for my sleeping pills I wouldn't get any rest the first night. Orion says I'm silly, but hey, he's always so serious! But this year not even he's teasing me because without a doubt, this year's Hunger Games were the most exciting ones ever!

To be honest, I hadn't thought this year's games would be any better than the last few and was more avidly looking forward to next year's Quarter Quell than anything, but the victors proved me wrong since day one! I don't know how the 75th games will be able to top it!

Before the doors open, Orion and I finish our stretches and stand back a bit. When the doors open, everyone pushes out, eager to get the first glimpse. I smooth my hair back again to make sure the wind their bodies created didn't muss it and adjust my dress. It's made entirely of paper made from mahogany exported from District 7, brightly colored in four different hues of red. Absolutely eye-popping and original, strongly reminiscent of Katniss' dress from the interviews and straight from the runway.

Once the hovercraft is empty, I lithely step out into the corridor and wait for Orion to turn on the camera that will livestream me into the devices of all 80,000 of my watchers. I don't usually do that, I like to edit my videos, but I promised them I'd tune in the moment I landed.

"Hello Panem, here's Capitol Girl welcoming you to my second year of broadcasting straight from an Arena!"

Walking back toward the group, I continue.

"At this very moment Orion and I are one of the first people to walk through the very hallways that Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark came through! And as you can see behind me, there are even more people than usual who made it out for the grand opening! But don't be afraid, because we booked our tickets way in advance, which means we will give you your first glimpses of all the famous scenes where we will reenact for you all Peeta's and Katniss' love story!

"And I know last year some of you teased me about my performances, but this time I know we'll be really good because we won't actually be acting anything, right Orion?"

I look past the camera at my baby and he flashes me a smile. I look back into the camera.

"He says yes. Trust me. And now, dear, sweet viewers, I'm afraid we've come to the part where we must turn off the camera, but we can't give too much away. When you get the chance, you MUST come here yourselves!"

And blowing a kiss, one of my favorite closers and openers, I wait for Orion to turn off the camera. Once he does, I give him a quick peck before we follow the tour guide through the catacombs. As usual, we go to the winner's room last, but because of this year's unusual case, we get to see Peeta's launch room earlier in the tour.

Inside, Orion turns the camera back on and I blow another kiss.

"Hello again, thank you for being so patient! We're now here in Peeta Mellark's launch room where he spent the last hour before the games with his oh so talented stylist Portia! Although, unfortunately, we weren't allowed to see what happened here, I'm sure we all know what was going through Peeta's mind. It's so painfully romantic," I say, sighing.

Orion turns off the camera again until we reach Katniss' room. As soon as I'm inside, I skip to the launch pad in the center of the room, barely giving Orion enough time to turn the camera back on. I give him an apologetic look, but I've been waiting for this moment for two hours!

I put my hands over my heart and look tragical. When I see the red light from the camera out of the corner of my eye, I begin.

"Oh, I don't know if I can do this. How can I kill Peeta?"

I continue to look down despondently for a few more seconds before stepping down from the pad. The other guests clap for me and one man even cheers. I thank everyone and some others come up to take my place on the pad.

"I feel so close to her here," I say into the camera.

"I don't know what I'd do if I had to kill my Orion."

We get a few shots of others trying their hand at their own imagined reenactment but later Orion tells me I was the best. Our tour guide gives us a few juicy tidbits about how Katniss looked before she entered the launch pad and how worried she was even on the hovercraft and then announces the tour's end for the day.

"You heard him everyone! That's it for today. I promise tomorrow will be even more exciting! This is Capitol Girl!"

I blow another kiss at the camera and Orion quickly shuts it off.

"Oh, Gucci, your arm must be so tired!" I say, running to him. He could float the camera with the push of a button, but he prefers manual work and always uses a tyepod or whatever at home. It's such outdated technology that I don't know where he dug it up. In fact, I think it must be worth something as a relic.

I massage his bicep as he maneuvers the recorder back into his bag.

"It's just a bit sore, I'll hop over to the spa after dinner for a massage."

"Ooh, that sounds like a great idea! Mind if I join you?"

I twine my arm through his.

He looks down at me, his face scrunched up in annoyance and I don't know what to do. My heart sinks to my stomach and my lip begins to quiver. What did I do? Before I can ask, Orion grabs my chin and laughs before kissing me.

"You're so gullible. You know I can't stand being away from you long, Goose."

"Oh, you're so mean!" I say, slapping his chest, though not very hard. "If I didn't love you so much, I would have broken up with you ages ago. And it's _Swan_."

In response he kisses me again and apologizes.

I cross my arms and look away from him. Sometimes he can be so cruel. How can he play with me like that? Luckily, he doesn't tease me too much, but that's exactly why I always take it so hard, because most of the time he's dead serious.

"Would you like some ice cream?"

I look back at him. Despite everything, he knows all my weaknesses and although I try hard to stay mad at him, I can't. It's not the ice cream but his sweet, I know I've done wrong smile. I know he knows this and so he uses it on me all the time.

"What kind?"

"Nightlock flavored," he says with a suddenly straight face.

I laugh before I can stop myself and suddenly I'm fine again. I know he loves me as much as I love him.

"Only if you have some."

"Deal."

"Really?" I ask, although I know he would. "Would you really?"

Orion pulls me back into him and tickles my neck with his nose before whispering in my ear, "If I can't stand being away from you for an hour, how could I stand a lifetime?"

My eyes water again and I latch onto him as if it's the last time I'll ever see him again.

"Oh, Orion, you're my Peeta!"

"And you're my Katniss."

And interlocked again, we make our way to the dining area where we pick out a secluded, darkened space to be alone. I already know what I want, but pretend to look through the suggested menu options anyway to check out my boyfriend. The long, pale face that I love is blank, staring down at the different combinations of food choices. Like me, he's wearing the latest fashion, and I mean latest. As the CEO of Eternal Youth, my father always gives me the pick of the season a month before he puts them on the shelves. Ever since Orion and I began dating, he's gotten the same favor.

We met at my uncle's TV station where he's a producer. Orion had started working there as an intern. I was there getting time sensitive information on that year's Tributes. The moment I saw him I knew there was something different about him, but that was obvious. His hair and makeup was fabulous, but his clothes were at least two seasons old, but he didn't seem to care. I found him so perplexing that I was talking to him before I knew what I was doing.

He was sweet and recognized me from my videos although at the time I'd only made a handful. He said I was very entertaining. I asked him if he'd like to help me make them and that was it. He never formally asked me out, but he didn't need to. We just knew that we were together. A few weeks into our relationship, I brought up his outfits and he blushed and mumbled something about not having enough time to go shopping since he had always put all his time into school, and then, getting the internship. He said he always felt like such a fool whenever we went out in public and when he ran into my parents, which was a lot since I shoot most of my videos at home. He's so cute! The very next day I got him a whole new wardrobe and after that I could tell that he felt more comfortable in his own skin.

After a while, Orion catches me staring at him and gives me a what are you doing, Helena face. I giggle and take his hand across the table. He strokes the back of my hand absently as he turns back to the menu. I'm so lucky I have him.


	2. Chapter 2

The wind catches my hair the moment my head reaches the surface and it feels good even through my tightly woven braid. Compared to the stuffiness of the launch room, it's heaven. The scene before me is beautiful and reminds me of District 7. Trees in the not too far distance, a shining lake, a meadow, and, of course, the cornucopia.

It's all so amazing that I almost forget Peeta, but there he is five Tributes down, smiling at me, and my heart melts although I know I have to toughen up.

I choke back a sob. Is this it? Will one of us die in the medley? What will we do if we run into each other? I know that he can't kill me anymore than I can kill him.

The counter has already begun it's countdown. 47 more seconds and that's it. I pry my eyes away from the only man I've ever loved and look through the pile of weaponry and food and find a shining bow with a quiver full of arrows. It reminds me of District 12, full of soot and filth, but quaint in its own way. The weapon is perfect for me.

Not many people know outside District 12, but I am brave enough to bypass the electric fence that protects the citizenry from wild beasts and escaped mutts to hunt. For years I constructed my own bows and arrows from crude wood and scavenged string and taught myself to hunt. I never miss.

With my eyes locked on my bow, I race off the metal circle the moment the buzzer sounds, Peeta in my heart and death on my mind. I'm fast but, I learn to my dismay, not fast enough. The fierce eyed girl from District 2 blindsides me and I duck to avoid her. I fall to the synthetic grass which doesn't stain my pristine clothes and by the time I'm up again I see that someone else has whisked away my arrows.

I stamp my foot. It's not fair! They were the only things I wanted and I know I'm the only one who can use them correctly. She took them just so I couldn't have them!

Halfheartedly I look around for anything useful and my eyes alight on a bright orange backpack. Looking up, I see that many have already fallen and I'm running out of time to get away. However a small consolation prize, it's something at least. But when I reach to pick it up, another boy does the same. I stare at him incredulously. I was here first, but I don't have to worry about him for long, because something sails into his back and red lights flash across his chest and he collapses in front of me.

Grinning, I pull the strap from his fingers and sling it onto my back before heading into the woods. Once enveloped in the safety of the trees, I look back and see that Peeta's nowhere in sight. Typical Peeta. More of a flighter than a fighter but if that keeps him alive I'm not complaining.

Turning away from the medley, I run deeper into the forest half hoping to meet Peeta and half hoping I don't. Which of us will survive? Which of us do I want to survive?

Before I can grow fatigued and sweaty, the buzzer sounds again, followed by a bevy of canon shots. I stop and turn back around toward the front and find bright red arrows on either side of me lighting up the trees to create a path back to the cornucopia.

I run my hand over my hair and find that even with all my running and falling it's stayed in place, thanks to the load of gel I heaped onto it earlier this morning. The avoidance of another hair mishap lifts my already high spirits. That was so fun! I haven't run around outside since last year's reenactment! The sun is light and warm against my skin and its smells wonderful out here.

When I'm reunited with Orion and all the other reenactors we watch a recap of the scene and giggle and compliment one another on our performances. Orion stuck the best to his Tribute. He completely bypassed the cornucopia and everyone else to run directly into the woods and out of sight. He was the perfect choice for Peeta. They are so alike, those two pragmatists. When Peeta shook his head at Katniss in the games it had become a huge debate about what he was trying to tell her. The prevailing theory is that earlier he had told her to ignore the cornucopia and head for the woods, advice, of course, only he took.

Once everyone had returned, the guide told us we had a free half hour before we would split up into our own groups and go to whichever reenactment scene we had signed up for.

Orion and I used our break to sit by the lake and tease each other on our acting.

"I was looking between you and the closest line of trees the whole time," he said.

I laughed as I let my hand drift back and forth in the water.

"I couldn't bear to look at you for too long," I said. "Too painful."

He laughed too and I had to turn away as the sun glinted off his blonde hair. He'd dyed it last night and would change it back to his favorite auburn when we got back Friday. It's kind of a boring color, but it's so Orion and I love it. I kept my hair burnt orange.

We were both wearing replicas of Peeta's and Katniss' outfits, made by Cinna and Portia themselves. Almost everything I wore nowadays was made by Cinna. No one could get enough of his designs but I was one of only a few who actually had them. His first season won't be out for another month.

When it was time to go, Orion leapt to his feet before offering me his hand. He was unencumbered by the recorder since all the reenactments were recorded by the same cameras they used for the Tributes. At the end of our stay they would give them to us for a nominal fee all downloaded into a disc. Before we leave he'll pull it out again so I can say a farewell and introduce a tantalizing hint of next week's video and oh is it tantalizing. Orion's not too fond of it, teehee.

A myriad of colorful arrows leads each group to their destination. Orion, our guide and I are headed for the tree where Katniss had her confrontation with the Careers and first saw Peeta again. It's a long walk and we're grateful for the built-in conveyor belt. With the belt's aid we reach the tree in no time. Everything is exactly as it was left, except for the tracker jackers, but even their broken apart nest is still laying crushed on the ground, giving the terrifying illusion that they'll be back any minute.

I bury my face into Orion's chest and he wraps his arms around me protectively. His warmth and strength comfort me. Our guide chuckles and reassures us that all the dangerous animals were taken care of. There is nothing to worry.

Still, I don't let go of Orion for a while and continue to eye the hive suspiciously until the guide reminds us that we only have 45 minutes here. There are a lot of groups waiting for their turn.

I look up at the tree and remember how brave Katniss was climbing up that huge, entirely too natural and barbaric thing. And how smart Rue was in telling her to cut down the tracker jacker nest to kill her pursuers. Too bad it didn't do more damage, but then things wouldn't have been so exciting later on.

Of course we won't reenact that part. The only things I climb are stairs, haha. Instead, I wobble around, taking care not to step on any part of the nest. I look confused and even start to get something of a headache. I clutch at an imaginary bow, standing more or less in place until Orion, no, Peeta, rushes to my side. He grabs me and screams at me to run. I pretend I don't understand but really I just don't want to leave him. Even though it seems like he betrayed me, I know he hasn't. It was all a trick to protect me.

"Katniss, you need to run! Go!"

To make him happy, I stumble out of his arms and run away from him and my heart.

When we finish, I have a real headache and take out a light vicodin from my pack. Orion hands me a bottle of water and I down it. The relief is instant.

Stretching, I say that I'm hungry and Orion concurs. Our guide informs whoever on his com and soon we're led away by more arrows and another conveyor belt all the way to the meadow where our prearranged picnic waits.

It's lovely. We can just sit on the grass without worrying about stains or bugs, there are no disease carrying ants or flies that try to infect our food... if real life were more like this I'd have picnics outside every day! But I'm not a Tribute and this vacation is only for one more day and then it's back to the real world. Not that I'm complaining about my life. I love it! And I cherish every moment of it. I know that I'm better off than a lot of people in the Capitol, poor dears. Sometimes my father donates old, outdated clothing to those who are unable to avoid high fashion.

"So what's after this?" Orion asks as I swallow the last bit of my tuna roll.

"Rue's death and then a tour of the arena, but slow down, Gucchi, and let's just enjoy our picnic."

"I can't help it. I'm getting antsy."

I notice that he's nearly finished with his meal while I'm barely halfway through mine.

"You know Orion, a little rest here and there doesn't hurt."

"But we already sat around the lake for 30 minutes!"

I sigh.

"Well I want to finish my meal in peace. And if you want me to be happy you'll slow down, admire the scenery and tell me I'm beautiful."

Orion looks around and finally quiets down, not so much because he's awed by what he sees but close enough. He is, after all, a film buff. Doing that oh so old fashioned thing where you make a rectangle with your fingers, he spins around, looking at that piece of wheat and that floating cloud this way and that, taking mental notes on cinematography or whatnot.

I too sit silently, taking small bites of my sushi, trying not to let it get to me that he forgot to tell me I'm beautiful.

But after Orion finishes whatever he's doing, he plops down beside me and looking straight into my eyes he says I'm still the most beautiful thing he's ever beheld then kisses me full on the mouth.

The rest of my lunch is quickly forgotten, but I wasn't that hungry anyway.

Rue's death is recreated with the help of another guide who does an excellent job of playing a corpse. I sob over her quite dramatically, if I do say so myself, and if my makeup weren't waterproof I'd look a horror. And then we're whisked away to key scenes in the arena. I take down everything the guide says about Katniss and Peeta, to be doled out to my viewers here and there. Most of it I already know from my uncle who worked closely with Seneca Crane before his untimely accident, poor dear, but I never miss an opportunity to learn anything new about one of my favorite Victors.

By the end of the afternoon, we're so tired and sore that Orion and I both pop a Vicodin and head straight for the massage parlor. I don't know how the Tributes do it. All that running around. Well, even the majority of people in the Capitol spend quite some time on their feet getting from place to place but I guess they're used to it. I don't know what I'd do without my car.

Back in our room, I'm laying sprawled on the bed with Orion watching a movie when my mom calls.

"Hello dearest, are you enjoying your trip?"

"Yes, Mommy, I am! Just wait until you see the recordings!"

"I can't wait. But the reason I'm calling is because I wanted to make sure your favorite food is still seafood, right?"

"Of course! Why?"

"Oh, your father wanted to know."

"What?"

"You know your father, always paranoid."

"Paranoid?"

"Nevermind. I'll see you tomorrow. Hugs and kisses."

"Muah muah."

"What was that?" Orion asked.

"My Dad wanted to know if I still liked seafood."

"Hm, he's never asked you about your food preferences before, right?"

"Of course not, haha. I wonder what's gotten into him."

"Maybe he misses his daughter and is planning a surprise dinner."

"Hm, maybe."


	3. Chapter 3

It's late in the afternoon Thursday and I wish we didn't have to go yet, but we've seen every inch of the arena and we finished the nightlock scene hours ago. I lay in bed trying to respond to the latest comments on some of my videos, but I can't concentrate. I'm still too excited.

Orion's in the bathroom finishing up with his hair. I wish he could leave it blonde a bit longer, but he has an image to maintain and he refuses to be seen without his characteristic auburn locks. The only exception to that is, of course, in the arena and in video format.

After I read through the same comment for the fourth time I give up and toss my tablet aside. Burying my face in the pillow, I think back to my favorite scene in Katniss and Peeta's love story, when Katniss was trying to figure out how to get to the cornucopia to get medicine without Peeta stopping her. What perfect timing her sponsor had! It was the sweetest most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen.

And Orion and I got to live it out!

When he stared at me behind my fingers cupping his mouth, I almost changed my mind. I'm sure Katniss must have wavered too, seeing his hurt.

Squashing the pillow in my arms, I squeal into it.

"Ready?" Orion asks, walking out of the bathroom with perfectly coiffed and utterly not blonde hair.

I nod and jump off the bed trying not to sigh. At least I requested plenty of pictures of him as Peeta.

In the hovercraft, I turn in my seat and look out the window. Here I felt so close to the Victors and now it's like I'm leaving two close friends. I shed a tear and quickly wipe it away before Orion can see but I'm not the only emotional one. A few children openly cry and there are other passengers staring intently out the window or snapping some last shots of the arena.

Exhausted and emotionally drawn, I close my eyes and lean back into my seat. When we land Orion wakes me. It's cold outside the port but my driver is already waiting for us and he ushers us inside the toasty car.

He drops Orion off at his house and I kiss him goodbye. As we drive away I feel forlorn without him. He's been at my side constantly for the last three days and now that he's gone I don't know what to do. I won't be able to see him this weekend since we're both going to have to catch up on the assignments we missed this week.

I arrive back home just in time for dinner. After freshening up a bit I go into the dining room where my mother and father are already sitting.

"Hello Darling," my mother says.

I walk over to her where she stands up to give me a quick hug. My father kisses me on the forehead before I sit down myself.

Seeing her cue, Cassie, one of our live in Avox servants, brings in the meal. I'm unsurprised at its contents but raise an eyebrow at the quantity.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"  
"Are we on a diet?"

My mother looks toward him too and I can tell that she's also confused.

"I'm not going to lie to either of you," my father starts.

My heart sinks as the first thing that pops into my head is that he's become bankrupt, but I can't believe that's true. My father's store is one of the most popular in the Capitol. I try to think of any other reason we would lose money but I can't find any. My father is very shrewd and most all of his investments flourish.

On the other side of the table, my mother looks like she's about to cry. My grandmother always told me that I looked like her when she was younger but I can't see it myself. She's a very beautiful woman but we have very different styles. She uses her makeup to highlight her best features and to mask any less than perfect ones. She could get her face done, but she doesn't like the idea of going under a knife. Besides, she likes her natural face.

When I used to wear more makeup like her we did look somewhat more similiar, but after Cinna's popularity, I started going for his minimalist look. It's actually like Orion's original style, only he wears a bit more.

My father's face is blank, as if he's in one of his business meetings. As usual, he doesn't wear any makeup and I can see every inch of his chiseled features and yet I cannot fathom what he's thinking or feeling.

"Since the Hunger Games three months ago some of the Districts have begun to dissent, including District 4."

"What do you mean, Dear?"

"I don't understand."

"You mean that they are rebelling?" my mother asks.

"No," my father assures us. "But they're upset."

"But why?" I ask.

He shrugs his shoulders.

"Who can say. But it's been going on for a while and it doesn't seem like they will back down. I've already begun stockpiling food in our home. You cannot tell anyone about this."

"But how do you know, Dear? Maybe you're just blowing things out of proportion."

"Jason told me."

That quiets my mother. Jason, my producer uncle, always tells us any significant news and he's never wrong. How can he be when he is the eyes and ears of all of Panem?

"Well, I'm sure that everything will be taken care of. We've had peace for nearly 75 years and I'm sure that once those dissenting Districts remember this they will resume their place."

My father and I agree with her and I turn to my meal. I feel much better. My father is an overly cautious and suspicious man. Sure, maybe we'll have a little less food for a while, but pretty soon things will work out.

The only thing that lingers in my mind is why a couple of the Districts would be upset, but nobody knew why they rebelled all those years ago either. But surely they are reasonable people, much more reasonable than before at least.

I'm barely full when dinner ends, there is absolutely no food left over, but I console myself thinking that it's another similarity I now bear with Katniss. Little food in the Games and not much more in her District, although, now that she's a Victor she probably has just as much food as anyone in the Capitol.

"Hum, it's like we've switched places!"

This revelation leaves me feeling strange and I don't know what to make of it.

I soak for ages in my bath and everything since dinner flows out of my mind. By my bedside are already my sleeping pills with a glass of refreshing water. When I was younger, and maybe braver, I would sometimes lay in bed for as long as possible, trying to fall asleep on my own. A couple times I did, but most often the anxiety attacks would come and before they got too bad I would jump up, chug down my pills and fall blissfully into a dreamless sleep. I only have one friend who dreams. She tells them to us and I must admit I'm a bit envious. I must have had them too, those few times I was able to sleep without my pills, but it was so long ago I can't remember any of them.

After I've settled down into a comfortable position, I swallow the pills and instantly feel drowsy. Facing the ceiling, I try to focus on the dancing flickers created by the electronic candles in my room. A few minutes after I fall asleep, Cassie will come in and turn them off.

I try to think about Katniss and Peeta, hoping I will dream of them, but when I wake in the morning I know I've failed.

It's nine in the morning when my tablet pings to tell me I've received an email. Sitting up, I yawn and stretch and rub my eyes to get myself fully awake.

Pulling the covers off, I get out of bed and walk over to my tab. As I suspected, it's the final edit of the video Orion completed last night.

I download and watch it. It's pretty much the same thing as the disc they gave to us and which I showed my parents last night, except some parts have been shortened and others drawn out. At the beginning and end of the clips though, I give a quick run down and then recap.

I save the best news for last.

"The hint for next week's video is red hair. I'm sure most of you already know what I'm talking about," my prerecorded self says with a wink.

Orion coughs in the background.

I love it, it's absolutely perfect, as always. I go back to a scene showing Orion and pause it long enough for me to give him a quick kiss. Then I call him up to thank him and wish him a great day and just to hear his voice, before uploading the video to my channel and preparing for the rest of the day.

I change into a casual, comfortable outfit for home and after breakfast get down to doing my homework. I take it in thirty minute increments before taking fifteen minute breaks. Any longer than that and I wouldn't be able to focus. Who could?

During my last break before lunch, my tab reminds me I need to call Finnick's agent to reaffirm our interview this Wednesday. She's a sweetie, really, but oh so very absentminded, even with her tab. She cheerily assures me that she's remembered and that he'll be delivered to my house at 10 AM on the dot Wednesday morning. I thank her and try to go back to my studies but it's hopeless.

Although it's my third interview with him and I have Orion and love him to death, it's impossible not to love Finnick. He's the most beautiful person in Panem and everything about him is poetry. The day he gets into a long lasting relationship every girl will cry.

Unconsciously I stroke my hair. I let it grow out a bit for the reenactments but I have to go get it trimmed again and redyed. I wonder if Finnick will like it. He must know I modeled it after his.

During lunch, another relatively meager meal, I remember what my father said about some districts rebelling and how seafood may not be on the menu for a while. Maybe I should ask Finnick about it. Not on camera, of course, but off the record.

I spend about another hour doing as much work as I can before I can't stand being cooped up in my house any longer. I shut off my books until tomorrow and make an appointment with my stylist. He sets it for 3, giving me time to change and do my makeup before dropping by Eternal Youth to try out the outfits I bookmarked in my father's catalogue.

They're all perfect and I pick one, a turquoise and orange tightly fitted dress, to wear to the salon. My stylist, Zeus, compliments my new outfit before getting to work. He fills me in with all the latest gossip I missed since Wednesday. During a lull in conversation, when he's too caught up in his work to do anything else, I check my channel and find that over 50,000 people have already viewed my video. Most of the comments gush about how authentic we look and how they can't wait to go themselves and how they can't wait until next week for the interview. Some ask if I can get an interview with Katniss and Peeta. I tell my viewers that I did try, but they turned me down, but the next time they come round the Capitol I'll try again.

While I'm still replying to another comment, I get a text from Andy, one of my best friends, asking where I am. I tell her and she promises me they'll meet me here.

When Zeus is finished, I marvel at him, calling him the Cinna of hair and kiss him on the cheek before I go out to my friends, who have already gathered around the salon. They crowd me, kissing my cheeks and hugging me. My girls! I didn't realize till now how much I missed them!

"I saw the video. You were so cute!" Penelope says.

"Yeah, but next year bring us too! Not just Orion!" Andy says.

I laugh and apologize and we walk over to a cafe to order some drinks and talk.

Penelope, the tallest and thinnest of us, shows off her figure with a white dress as tight as mine, if not tighter. I think she looks sort of like a classy mummy, especially with her long, thick black hair and shimmering gold jewelry, and I'm sure that's exactly the look she was going for.

Andy is much more colorful. She goes for a different color scheme every day. Today she's purple. Purple pants, purple top, shoes, lips, eyeshadow and lashes, nail polish, and even hair. It must be exhausting but she always pulls it off and looks fabulous. The times when we sleep over at her house she's always in a transitional state.

Daphne, the quiet one of our group, loves to blend in. I don't know where she does, but she always manages to find some hole in the wall store where she buys earthy, dull colors that match her brown hair. She's one of the only people I know who doesn't dye her hair and I love her for it. She never changes, kind of like Orion, and makes me feel safe and grounded.

"So how was it?" Andy asks.

"It was amazing! I got really into it. Seriously, you have no idea how many times I cried. It was the best reenactment ever!"

"I wish I could already go!" Andy says. "But my mom says not until the break!"

"Did you keep the outfit?" Penelope asks.

"Of course! Handmade by Cinna? I'm keeping it forever!"

"You should get him to design something for Daphne," says Penelope.

"Hey, I like my clothes."

"We do too," she reassured her. "But it's nice to change it up every now and then."

Daphne just took a sip of her tea.

"And the cave!" I continued. "It's so tiny and really, so romantic! No wonder they were kissing all the time in there! You can't help it! It would bring anyone together. Orion was so tender and he looked so sick that I almost believed he was really dying!"

I tear up just thinking about it.

"Oh, Helena," Penelope squeezes my hand. "Don't worry, it was just pretend."

"Yeah, but I understand, it must have been rough, even with the fun," Andy says.

As time passes by, I realize that it's dinnertime and almost invite them over to my house, but I'm too embarrassed to, what with the rationing. Luckily, Andy invites us to her place instead. I let my mother know and when we're seated at dinner I see that her family has not skimped out on anything at all.

_I knew Daddy was being over the top, _I think, as I cut into my steak.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm nervous and fluttery and just want to scream to let it all out but if I do I know I won't be able to keep myself together and the interview will just go to Hades.

Sitting in front of my vanity, I lean in again, checking to make sure I look perfect. I feel exposed and stupid without all the makeup I used to wear, but that's silly. Cinna's look is at the height of fashion and will be for quite some time. And besides, Finnick's used to girls wearing no makeup at all. If anything, I probably look more attractive to him than usual. I have a light layer of foundation on my face, completely invisible, and a fluid dark line of eyeliner that flicks up and in toward my plucked and colored in eyebrows. A light aqua eyeshadow glows from behind the long lashes I glued on tight.

My dress matches my eyeshadow. It's a mermaid dress, tailored perfectly to me and bringing out all my curves. My hair looks positively flaming in contrast.

When I come out of my room, I see Orion standing by the cameras making minute adjustments to them that probably aren't needed. I can tell that he's annoyed and when he looks up at me I know he can see how excited I am. I give him a big, bright smile through my nervous energy and he smiles back before turning away. I'm not sure how authentic it is, but it does make me feel better. I'm such an awful girlfriend!

I sit down in my interviewer's chair with my note cards. They hold the 20 questions I chose from a list of dozens that my viewers wanted me to ask him. I feel anxious waiting for him to come in from the guest bathroom where his team of stylists and makeup artists are at work on him. As I passed by the door I heard him joking with them and my heart skipped a beat. While I wait for him I wish I had my tablet or phone with me but with my friends calling and texting every second, begging me to let them see Finnick, I really couldn't keep them on me.

Two minutes after I sit down, Orion walks out to tell Finnick it's time to start. He answers back cheerily and I stand up and face the door. I know I'm grinning stupidly as he walks in, but it's hard not to. Repressing a squeal and the urge to jump into his arms, I offer him my hand which he brings to his lips, leaving a tender kiss and me just about ready to collapse.

"Helena, I always look forward to our interviews together. Love the hair."

He stares into my eyes while I get lost in his and mumble something of a greeting.

He pretends not to notice and greets Orion with a pleasant handshake, also ignoring what can only be described as a glare from my boyfriend.

Finnick's entourage crowds around the door while I try not to blush and take my seat. He takes his opposite of mine. When Orion gives us the signal, I clear my throat, knowing Orion will edit it out later, and begin.

"Hello, Panem! This is Capitol Girl, back from the arena of the latest Hunger Games where we fell in love with the first two Victors of one game ever, the lovebirds from District 12, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark! But today, let's roll back the clock and remember one of the most popular Victors of all time, the winner of the 65th Hunger Games, Finnick Odair!"

Light of breath and head spinning, I finish my intro just in time for Finnick to give his most dazzling and seductive smile to the camera in front of him, aka, the one directly behind me. My eyes drift to his mouth and I know no one could ever be so beautiful, even with all the full body treatments and modifications in all Panem.

"Helena, you look beautiful," Finnick says, apparently finished with his own introduction.

"Thank you," I say, taken aback.

"No really, you're like a siren. And can I say, I would gladly drown for you?"

This isn't good. If I don't take control of the situation I can't be sure in the next second I won't throw myself at him.

"I think everyone in Panem would do the same for you," I say, before quickly moving on.

"So what have you been up to for the past month?"

"Oh, I've been very busy attending a lot of parties and events and keeping up with my talent when back home. I'm so tired all the time my makeup team has to work twice as hard to cover up the bags under my eyes."

"He's lying!" someone from his team yells, laughing. "We're redundant!"

I lean in toward him and he does the same.

"N-no, I don't see a thing!"

"It's all makeup, darling."

Orion clears his throat and I reluctantly lean back into my chair.

"So what did you think of this year's Hunger Games?"

"It was amazing! I have to hand it to Katniss and Peeta, they were wonderful."

"Have you had a chance to meet them?"

"Sadly, no, but maybe during their Victory Tour? Certainly I'll see them at next year's Quarter Quell. I'm definitely looking forward to it."

I run through a few more questions with him, going off on tangents here and there before I pick up the stack of questions.

"...But let's get down to these. My viewers are dying to know a little more about Finnick."

"Please," he says, gesturing toward the cards. "I don't want to keep my fans in too much anticipation."

I keep my gaze on the top card, taking a breather before I have to look back at him again.

"First question: Is it true that your last relationship ended? Th-that's from_ ilovefinnick1001_."

"Yes, she was a sweet girl but, she just wasn't for me. So maybe you could come and find me sometime _ilovefinnick1001."_

"Next question!"

A few more cards in, I come to, I admit, my own. For a moment, I wonder if I should really ask, but that passes and besides, I need to know! Not for me though, but for all my single viewers.

"Finnick, back at your District, I've seen you hanging around with another Victor, a girl with dark brown hair and green eyes, a lot. What's your relationship with her?"

"She's just a friend, one of many. Don't worry girls, you don't have any competition."

For a second his voice sounds hard, but by the end of his statement he's still smiling as brilliantly as ever. I make a mental note to ask my uncle to stop watching Annie Cresta. I was suspecting there was something going on between them, but if there's nothing, then there's nothing to report on. I'm glad I waited until the interview before releasing the gossip.

The rest of the interview goes as well as the first part and I thank him and his entourage for coming. After that the next few minutes pass by in a blur. Orion disappears with the footage, Finnick's agent goes into the hallway to schedule another appointment for him, and his team go to the bathroom to clean up, leaving Finnick and me alone.

We have a very nice conversation about clothing and I promise him whatever he wants from my father's chain when I remember what he said about there supposedly being no more seafood. I play with the idea of asking Finnick about it for a while but then the reporter in me decides I can't pass up an opportunity to ask someone from District 4 themselves.

"Finnick, I heard an odd thing from someone."

"What is it, Helena?"

"Well, it's silly, I know, but I heard that some of the Districts have been dissenting lately... including District 4."

A mortifying second passes between us before Finnick starts to laugh. Not knowing what else to do, I join in.

"Oh, Helena, I know usually your sources are top notch, but the Districts rebelling?"

"I didn't say rebelling," I say, growing pink. "And I thought it was nothing. I just wanted to make sure."

"Darling," he says, pulling my face close to his. "Trust me, everything's fine. Nothing ever changes in Panem."

And then he leaves me breathless to join his team in the foyer.

Although I'm absolutely embarrassed, I drag myself out with Orion to bid them all a farewell, only to witness Andy and Penelope come dashing in, straight into Finnick's arms as soon as Cassie opens the door. As if I hadn't already humiliated myself!

I apologize but it's obvious Finnick's enjoying the attention. He kisses them both on the cheek and tells them to make sure and watch my video. They follow him out, each clinging to either one of his arms. As soon as everyone's out, I close the door myself and collapse into a couch.

"It's always so exciting when he's here," Orion says.

Stars, I forgot about Orion! I knew after the interview I would have a lot of making up to do with him.

Sheepishly, I turn to him.

"Thanks for everything today."

He shrugs.

"Well I don't like disappointing my fans."

I hang my head in shame.

Orion walks over to me and crouches down. He lifts my chin up until I'm staring him in the eye.

"I forgive you, but I'm going to call you duck for the rest of the week."

I smile.

"Fair enough."

I jump into his arms, thankful that he's forgiven me so easily. He knows I would never cheat on him and that Finnick is really just a celebrity. He falls in love with everyone and anyone and falls back out just as fast. And as exciting as that is, I'm more grounded than that, and that probably has a lot to do with my Gucchi.

As thanks and further apology, I take Orion out to one of our favorite restaurants. As with most things in my life, I go through different food phases. A few months ago it was lamb, I'd never really liked it, but Katniss got me into it, and a few months before that it was soups. Now it's seafood, and Puck's is the best seafood restaurant in the Capitol.

Surprisingly when we get there, it's not nearly as full as it usually is. I didn't even have to make a reservation. Instead, we're led right in and given a table with a great view of the aquarium that takes up the entire center of the restaurant.

Orion orders fresh cuts of tuna while I order a lobster to my exact specifications. When I'm done, I hand the waiter back the menus without paying any attention to him when Orion points at the stuttering kid.

Perplexed, I really look at him for the first time and ask him what he wants. He's a stick thin, lanky boy with lizard eyes and violet hair. He licks his lips with a forked tongue anxiously before getting out what he wants to say.

"I'm sorry, but we don't have any lobster."

Orion snorts and I narrow my eyes.

"What do you mean you don't have lobster? Isn't this Puck's?"

"Yes..."

"And isn't it a seafood restaurant?"

"Yes-"

"Then go bring me my lobster."

"But there isn't any. You can check yourself. I don't know why. I just heard the shipments aren't coming in. It's been like that for weeks."

"That's ridiculous," Orion says.

"I just had lobster last week," I say before remembering where I'd had my last lobster. It was at home.

While Orion yells at the hapless waiter, I start to feel a sense of dread. Could my father be right? Are the Districts really dissenting? But Finnick said nothing was wrong. He wouldn't lie, why would he?

Angrily, Orion stands up and takes me by the hand.

"Good luck getting us to come here again!"

I let him drag me out as he mutters angrily under his breath.

Around us, I see that the other patrons are fine and happily eating their meals.

Oh, I'm so spoiled. So what if there's no lobster? I try to tell Orion that I can order something else, but he's too incensed. I stroke his hand. He'll calm down soon enough, and soon everything will be back to normal too. Won't it?


	5. Chapter 5

I'm sitting with Andy at Midas' Cafe, fitting, since today Andy is shimmering in synthetic and real gold. Although it's fairly cloudy, I still have to keep my sunglasses on.

Around us, everyone's buzzing with excitement for the Victory Tour that's coming up next month. Since the Hunger Games ended Panem has had to get by on people like me to get a lot of the juicy goods on the Victors, so it's always around this time of year that I get more viewers.

Looking around me, it doesn't seem like anything's changed, but it has, and I'm starting to lose hope that things are going to get back to normal any time soon. It's horrible. My life has become quite monotonous. I can only eat at a few dozen restaurants anymore because the other ones always run out of food now. Why did Finnick lie?

What's worse, I haven't bought a new outfit in a month because there's just nothing new being made. I know it's not because of some stylistic block either. Cinna and a lot of my other favorite designers still regularly showcase their designs, and we even have a new burgeoning designer in Katniss, who chose it has her talent, no. It's that there aren't enough fabrics. Apparently, according to my dad and uncle, District 8 has been dissenting too.

No one really knows the reason for our shortages. The President says it's perfectly normal and that we're just going through some renovations in transportation and improving the city, and that's been keeping everyone happy so far. That's why I love President Snow. He always knows the right thing to do and say to keep peace, and there have been more renovations lately, so the problem with the Districts must not be too serious.

I sip my tea while Andy goes on about the Victory Tour. I think she has a crush on Peeta, but who doesn't? If he wasn't so in love with Katniss, she'd probably try to date him.

I'm starting to get hungry, but I don't say anything and Andy doesn't either. It's become sort of an awkward thing in the Capitol lately. Nowadays everyone either eats at home or just with their families. It's funny. I never noticed before, but eating with others is a really great way to connect, and now that I don't do it anymore, I feel more distant from my friends. Is that why I'm not really paying attention to what Andy's saying?

Eventually she notices I'm not contributing as much to the conversation as I usually do and checks her phone. She says she needs to get back home to plan out tomorrow's theme. I know she's lying. She plans her themes out a week in advance, but I don't say anything. We both know the real reason she's leaving.

It's good anyway. My uncle's driver pulls up and after a quick kiss and hug, we part and I step inside. Sometimes I keep the window divide between Perseus and me open and talk a bit, but today I keep it shut to hide the embarrassing sounds coming from my stomach. Breakfast was at best miserly today and it's already 2. I can't help a sob that escapes my mouth. I just can't get used to being hungry. Taking out the tissues that I've started carrying around with me, I wipe away my tears, trying to keep myself together.

After a couple of minutes with a dry face, I take out my compact and check my makeup. My concealer is slightly miffed around my eyes but I quickly fix that and everything else is flawless. I sigh, feeling better that I'm still perfect, at least for now. I have enough makeup to last until the next Hunger Games but what will happen if my father can't get more material?

At the productions studio my uncle greets me loudly and fondly and his employees smile at me. I catch sight of Orion who smiles at me but is too busy to stop whatever he's doing and disappears.

"Don't you have school today?"

"Hah, you know winter break's started."

"Of course," he says.

He pulls me into his office and after closing the door tight, calls for the food to be brought up. I smell the lamb before it comes into view and immediately tears spring into my eyes.

"I know," my uncle says, putting his arm around my shoulder and kissing my forehead. All his joviality is gone and the worried expression he's been wearing for the last three months appears. I hang my coat and he guides me to a chair and together we eat in silence until the pangs in our stomachs dissipate.

"I still haven't been able to get any of Peeta's paintings. He's stubborn, but I guess that's how he became a Victor. I'll keep trying though."

"Thanks Uncle Jason."

He gives me more updates on them and I write it all down in my tablet. He offers to just email the information to me, but I enjoy spending time with him and I like to see the videos myself, though these past few months, I've begun to wonder if that's good for me.

"Do you want to see the videos?" He asks.

"Yeah, let's go now."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course," I smile brightly at him, now that I can, what with a full stomach.

Seeing that I'm feeling better, he consents and we head straight for the observation room. Not that many people are allowed in here, and I'm probably not either. My uncle always gives me strict instructions on what exactly I can and cannot reveal to the public.

The room is dim and it takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. When they do, I see row after row of each District. I walk through them, lingering on the trees in District 7. Despite my feelings, I can't help but admire them every time I'm here.

When I turn away from the trees, I can't keep my emotions down. It's chaos. Districts 3, 4, 7, and 8. And from what we can see, it doesn't seem that dissent is far from some of the other districts, too. The few of us in the room watch the monitors somberly and I know what we're all thinking. Rebellion. It's only a matter of time. I look at them through the cameras. They're disgusting. I know I've always known that, but I never admitted it to myself before. What are they thinking? How could they be so stupid? What do they possibly have to gain from this?

Trying to retain some decorum, I sneak away to the side and pull my tissues out again. I cry in anger and bitterness and I hate myself but I hate them more for making me feel this way. If they saw me, if they saw us here in this room, staring at them in terror, would that make them stop? Why do they hate us?

I rejoin my uncle soon at the District 12 end, thankful for the low lights. Everything is calm and peaceful there. I catch Peeta come out of Katniss' house, her mother's seen him to the door again. It's so weird, but Katniss and Peeta never seem to be around each other, at least not outside, and Peeta never even stays for long at her house. I guess her mother was really serious about Katniss being too young to date. I wish I could pity them, but I can't. I'm too miserable to care about anyone else anymore. And since no one knows about the Districts dissenting, I have no one to talk to about my growing feelings of loathing toward them.

Back home I pull out my tablet and lay on my bed, looking through my notes. I should be preparing my next video, but I can't. I have absolutely no desire to make it. I don't even want to think about the Districts. I turn on the TV but most everything's about the Victory Tour and the upcoming Quarter Quell. I laugh bitterly. The entire Capitol revolves around the Hunger Games. Who's really running everything?

I fall asleep eventually with some announcer droning on about the Games in the background and wake to pretty much the same content. I shut off the TV and see a light blinking on my phone. It's a video text from Orion. He says he's sad that I didn't come to see him before I left but is looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.

I'm a mess and I don't feel like talking anyway, so I text back an apology and lots of X's and O's.

Downstairs, my father's the only one at the table. When I sit down he motions for the food to be brought out.

"Where's Mommy?"

"She's sleeping."

She comes down not long after we begin eating, looking bleary eyed. I catch my father give her a disapproving look but can't figure out why.

We finish dinner quickly, we always seem to finish our meals so fast, partly because there's less food and mostly because we don't talk much, and I go back up to my room.

I look through some of my father's catalogs although I've already gotten everything I wanted from them. I scrutinize every inch of every outfit, trying to figure out a new, better design, but I can't. I really don't have a knack for this.

I check my tab and see it's only 8. I see I've gotten some new comments on some videos but I really can't stand to look at them right now. I don't think I've ever gone so long without the internet or at least something to do.

Getting up from my bed, I go to the bathroom to make a bath. I make it extra hot and bubbly and enjoy the water. I feel my tension slowly ebb away and my mind blanks. After a while I put in my earpods and listen to some soothing music.

Sometime later Cassie wakes me up. I'm all pruny but I don't care I'm so tired. After a quick rinse, I pull my nightgown on and fall into bed. It seems like the only thing I've been doing all day is sleeping, but what else is there to do?


	6. Chapter 6

Other than to school, because I have to, I don't really leave my house. Well I do still see Orion and my friends occasionally and get touch ups on my hair, but those are necessities. And really, I can't stand going out in public and I'm not alone in this, so we usually meet at each others' houses. My father thinks it's perfectly fine for me to go out but he doesn't understand, even as the president of a major fashion company. The irony! He's a smart business man and I know food isn't the only thing he stocked up on but he won't let me have any new clothes because he says he needs to sell all of them to make any profit! As if he couldn't squeeze out silver from rocks.

Andy is going insane. All her colors are growing pale and she's sticking to similar hues. The only person who's unaffected is Daphne with vintage clothes.

What else has changed? Ah, I haven't made a single video in three weeks and my fans have noticed. They keep begging me to come back and ask what's wrong, or so Orion tells me, and if it wasn't for him they wouldn't get a response.

He's worried about me and tells me that everything is going to go back to normal soon, but if he really believes that, he's not as smart as I always thought he was. Even my mother is beginning to doubt President Snow's announcements about the temporal nature of the shortages. Shortages! I didn't even know what that word meant a few months ago and now I hear it everywhere, though it's whispered beneath the excitement of the Victory Tour. No one wants to undermine the great empire or our Caesar. I used to be afraid of the bitterness that started welling in me but not anymore. I've pretty much embraced it.

Orion doesn't really like the new me and for his sake I try to be more upbeat around him which seems to do the trick. As for an excuse as to why I haven't been making videos, I told him that I wanted to focus on school and that it didn't really matter if I made videos now anyway since the stations were doing a good enough job stuffing everyone with more Katniss and Peeta than they could handle, which is a lie. Yes, everyone's back in Hunger Games mode, but my broadcasts always have extra juicy tidbits that they don't air, but the explanation is enough to satisfy him. Orion's been pretty distracted lately working on his own projects and he sees a break from my weekly shows as an opportunity to throw himself into them.

Which is fine, he should have time to do his own thing and I want to be alone, but I'm still mad at him. I mean, we haven't had a conversation longer than 2 minutes for over a week, but whatever.

Penelope admitted to me that her family's started to hide food too and we're pretty sure we're not alone. There's barely anything left on market shelves and I can't remember the last time I ate out or was full.

When the Victory Tour finally begins, my parents call me down to watch with them. I'd rather not see the Victors but my behavior has not gone unnoticed by them either and I want to put them at ease. And we always watch the Victory Tours together, it's a family tradition and who knows, maybe it'll uplift my spirits.

Downstairs, I plop down between them and arrive just in time to see Katniss and Peeta all prettied up and pretending to fit in with us step onto the stage in District 11. The people there look sombre, but they always do, except in the winning District. I never thought anything of it before, but this year we're all unnerved by their attitudes.

Strangely, they cut out their speeches. We wonder together if they messed up, which is perplexing since Peeta is really a natural when it comes to being on camera.

The next few days of the Victory Tour pretty much go the same way, except this time they both get their speeches down pat. And really despite my fear and resentment toward the Districts, the familiarity of the Victory Tour and watching it with my parents does help to comfort me somewhat, though I'm still pretty tense when they air the dissenting Districts. You wouldn't know it looking at them though. No, my uncle has some really talented people working for him. Everything looks bright and cheery, save for pretty much everyone's faces, except the ones on stage.

After watching them finish at District 3, my father hands me two tickets to the party held in their honor at the President's house. This would be the first time I ever attended one of these parties, my parents thought I was too young before, and I've always wanted to go, of course, but I'm not sure if I really want to this year. But I know how expensive they are and my father looks too happy for me to turn him down. He and mother will be there too, as always. It's a great way to mingle and keep up business relations and make new ones.

I go upstairs and tell Orion about it. He's ecstatic. There are always big names there, past Victors, actors and producers so it'll be a really great opportunity for him too.

At my closet, I look through my rows of dresses and try and figure out what I can wear to this thing. I start to narrow down my options. This one's fairly new and I've only worn it once, but it's so popular I expect to see at least a dozen of them. Everything else is either too old or I've worn them on my shows. Besides being renowned for my Victor secrets I'm known for always being on top of fashion trends and I know some of my viewers will be there.

But just as I'm about to sink into utter despair, my father comes upstairs with the latest dress by Cinna.

"I couldn't let everyone else have it before my daughter."

I jump into his arms and kiss his cheeks. This is the best I've felt in a long time.

The day of the party finally arrives. Penelope and Andy begged me earlier to take videos and pictures of the event and especially of Peeta and Katniss so Orion comes saddled with a camera but he doesn't mind. In fact, he says that he'll try to show off his pictures to whoever there and perhaps get his foot in the door in his profession. I really don't know why he feels like he needs to do all this. His connection to me pretty much means he can do whatever he wants, but he says he likes to be prepared for anything. I don't like what that implies and with me already annoyed at him, it doesn't help.

On the car ride over, I sit silently while he chatters away with my parents. When we arrive, he pulls me eagerly inside and when we get separated amid the chaos he hasn't even noticed. I thought we were supposed to be Katniss and Peeta.

Making our way further into the room, we find them both circled by adoring fans.

"Look, there they are," he says, smiling brighter than I think I've ever seen.

"Yeah."

"Come on, you want to meet them, right? Our doubles."

He nuzzles my neck with his nose but I remain stoic. He doesn't notice.

Grabbing my hand, he again leads the way until we're in front of the happy couple.

"Hi, Peeta, Katniss, I'm Orion and this is Helena. We're big fans."

"Thank you," Peeta says.

He and Orion shake hands firmly.

Katniss smiles back and she looks really beautiful and sweet. We shake hands too.

"Thank you for coming to meet us," she says.

"How are you enjoying the party?" I ask.

"It's wonderful."

"You're probably getting used to things like this, huh? Isn't it exhausting?" I say.

I smile but it's obvious I'm annoyed. But she doesn't miss a beat.

"Yes, I love the Capitol but there's just no place like home. It's very peaceful."

That's right, District 12 isn't acting up. Maybe I should be a little less obviously hostile.

Peeta smiles winningly at me.

"Your dress looks beautiful. It was made by Cinna, right?"

"Yes, thank you," I say, and I mean it.

"Katniss is taking lessons from him for her talent."

"Yes, I know. That's great. I love Cinna's outfits. Maybe I'll wear your designs one day."

Katniss just smiles back.

Orion asks to take some pictures of them and with them and if we can do a little interview of them outside where it's less noisy. They agree to the pictures but decline the interview as they're feeling tired. He tries again and asks if they wouldn't mind being interviewed another time. They say maybe and Orion gives them his card. After he takes the pictures, we amicably part and Orion looks through them, trying to find the best ones to show off. While he's preoccupied, I go over to the food bar. It's practically drooping under all the food and I almost cry. I feel like I haven't seen so much food in my life.

I eat until I think I'm going to die. When I look up, I see that I'm close to the V.I.'s, or vomit inducers, but there's no way I'm giving up any of the food inside my body. Instead I wonder if there are any to go bags when I hear Katniss.

Turning, I see her and Peeta with Katniss' team, who are laughing hysterically. I can't hear what they're saying, but I can see Katniss' face and she looks apalled. At first I can't understand why, but then I do when Peeta takes her V.I. Glass and puts it back.

My face flushes in anger and embarrassment. Are they looking down on us?

I walk away and find myself spinning in someone's arms. Looking up, I see Orion.

"Hey, where have you been? I was just talking to Hef Chiang! He liked my photos and he gave me his business card!"

As he spins me on the dance floor I just lean against him, tuning him out. I stare out into nowhere trying to redeem myself in my eyes. Letting my guard down I'd genuinely started to like Peeta and Katniss and then I found out what they really think of us. I feel like an idiot. I can imagine them laughing at all of us back at their District.

Then I hear what has quickly become a familiar voice and looking around for a bit, I see Katniss and Peeta, also dancing. I wonder if I'm fated to spend my entire night in their presence and try to pull Orion away but he won't budge. I try to tune them out, but I can't. What exactly are they discussing?

"I know. I know that," Peeta says. "It's just sometimes I can't stand it anymore. To the point where... I'm not sure what I'll do."

After that I can't really hear anymore so I drag Orion back a bit and really lean in, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. I just barely make out "wrong".

Wrong about what?

"About what?" Katniss asks, echoing my thoughts.

"About... subdue... districts."

My blood runs cold. Katniss' neck swivels around and I quickly close my eyes and pretend I'm lost in the romance of dancing with my boyfriend. I hear them start to whisper again and know they didn't catch me.

We need to get out. Now. I pull away from Orion and tell him I'm tired. Either there's some sort of look in my eye or he's accomplished everything he set out to do tonight, but he doesn't argue and follows after me.

Outside I find my driver and tell him to take us back and then he can swing back around to pick up my parents.

Inside the car, I lay back and try to keep myself together. I'm frantic and although I'm trying desperately to make sense of everything, I can't. All I can think is that a full blown rebellion is imminent and Katniss and Peeta will be leading the charge. A break out in a cold sweat and I can feel bile in my throat but I swallow it down and pretend to sleep.

When we stop in front of Orion's house, he kisses my forehead before leaving and then we're moving again.

Back home I throw off my clothes and scrub my makeup off until my face is raw before I jump into the bath. It doesn't help and I get out after a few minutes. I lay in bed, I pace up and down my room, I hold myself tight but nothing helps. I try to be reasonable.

So what if they rebel? What are they going to do? They have limited resources and we have technology and weaponry and an army. I start to calm down. Right, and all the fighting would just be at the Districts, none of it would come here. Probably before any real fighting could start, we'd just do what we did to District 13. But then another thought hits me. We can't do that to all of them. We _depend_ on them for food and clothing and transportation... I'd never realized how essential they were to us. If we destroy them or they rebel, what will we do? We'll have nothing. We're already running out of supplies.

"I don't want to die!"

I collapse to the floor and sob. It takes a long time for me to calm down and when I look up there's a warm cup of tea in front of me. Afraid that my parents might have heard me, I quiet down but don't hear anything. I still feel miserable and scared and all I want to do is talk to someone. After running through a quick list of possible confidantes, I decide on Daphne and call her up.

Immediately she asks me what's wrong.

"How'd you know?"

"You sound like you've been crying."

And then I let everything out, everything that I've more or less been keeping to myself all these months. I tell her about the Districts dissenting and what I overheard tonight. She listens to everything until I lapse into a silence. There's a pause where I wait for her to respond and then she does.

"Thanks for sharing this with my Helena, and for trusting me. And I hope I can trust you too?"

I'm stunned. I was so caught up in myself that I couldn't imagine that anyone else would have an important secret too.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I've hated the Capitol since they turned my brother into an avox."

"But..."

I knew she had a brother, but I hadn't ever given him a thought. Of course, it made sense now. No wonder I never saw him. But if he was an avox, who cared? He was a criminal and deserved his punishment. I had been about to say that but decided it was too cruel.

"But the Capitol is our home. It gives us everything."

"No, it takes everything from the Districts. And then we kill their children."

"Daphne, what are you saying?"

I hear her sigh over the phone.

"Helena, I love you, but stop thinking in Capitol terms."

I remember Katniss' expression at the V.I. bar and color.

"What does that mean?"

"I hope you can figure it out. Good night, Helena."

And with that she hangs up.

Hating the Capitol? I can't understand it, and I'm upset all over again. Is she seriously sympathizing with the Districts?

On my phone, I dial the number for the police but hesitate. Daphne has been my good friend for years and she's never hinted at anarchy before, but all this time it's been stirring in her? It's dangerous, but how can I betray her? Maybe if I talk to her I can make her see sense, I can unite her with me, with us, against the real enemy: the Districts.

I put down my phone and think back over what she said.

We take everything from them? I go online and look up recordings of the Hunger Games. Most of the Tributes are tiny and thin. I'd always been jealous of them, but was it because they didn't have enough food? But why wouldn't they? They're the ones who produce it. What was Daphne talking about?

And the way she described the Hunger Games... well, that's right, it started out as punishment, but, but now didn't it unite us? And we rewarded the winners... the image of District 11 gathered for the Victory Tour play through my thoughts.

I shake my head vigorously. No, no, no, no, no. What am I thinking? They _deserve_ it. They rebelled! If anyone's the wrong, it's the Districts, not the Capitol... isn't it?

My tab rings out and I see I've gotten an email. I think to ignore it but then I see the address. Am I reading it right? I bring it up close. Is this really from the President?

Opening it, I find a short note from, indeed, President Snow. He says that my videos are a delight and asks that I resume making them as usual, as people need the morale it brings, especially during this time.

I read and reread what he's written. 'During this time'? What does he mean? Everyone is pumped up about next year's Hunger Games right now. Is he talking about the shortages? This gives me even less hope that things can be turned around and suddenly very weary, I take my sleeping pills and am thankfully consumed by darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

It's early. Really early. I know because for the longest time I've heard ringing and ringing in my dreams but I couldn't wake up from my drug induced sleep until now.

Finally opening one eye, I blearily look around for my phone and find it on the floor next to my bed. I snatch it up and glare at the number. It's Andy. And it's 8:46.

I try to say hello, but something incoherent comes out instead. It doesn't matter anyway.

"Helena! Orion's with another girl! I saw them flirting together on the way to the production studio!"

I'm instantly wide awake and sitting up. Andy's never been so upset before and I'm afraid she might have done something to Orion.

"Where is he?"

"Back inside the building! I saw them like, an hour ago!"

"Maybe it was a coworker," I say, trying to reassure myself, but I can already feel myself begin to crumble. I can't handle this right now.

"She is! But you should have seen them! They were walking so close together and whispering and giggling... it makes me sick!"

Through the phone I hear her gasp in anger and know she's crying. I really can't handle this.

"Thanks, Andy. I'll talk to him."

"Don't forgive him! And I thought you two were perfect!"

I hang up the phone and curl up into myself. I wish I had taken more pills, then maybe I could have skipped today, but then I doubt tomorrow would have been any better.

The tears that sprang to my eyes while talking to Andy come pouring down, staining my silk sheets, but I don't care. I cry and cry into them, only taking care not to make too much noise. I don't want my parents to see me like this. Especially my father. He loves Orion and has practically offered him his place as CEO. And maybe Andy's wrong. I don't know how, but maybe. Or maybe we can fix this.

I pull myself together and find Cassie in my doorway. She nods her head in pardon for intruding and sets a tray of breakfast, tissues and an ice pack on my drawer then leaves.

I grab a handful of tissues and wipe at my face. I'm a mess. When my face is relatively dry, I lay back and put the pack on my eyes, hoping the swelling will go down. If I'm going to face Orion, I have to look my best. I have to win him back.

A few minutes later I get up and run to my vanity. The swelling's not too bad but it's still there. I decide to put off calling him for a couple of hours. Besides, it'll give me time to get ready.

In the bath, I scour myself with hot water and rub my skin until it feels raw before lathering myself in creams and lotions. I pick out an outfit, a simple black halter top with black capris. It's similar to Orion's tastes. He like dark colors, especially black, and I hope it'll help him remember that we're a team.

But when I go to my phone, my hand stops short of picking it up and I tremble. What if all this is for nothing? What if he's in love with that girl? Closing my eyes, I take a few deep breaths the way my yoga instructor taught me. It helps. Opening my eyes again, I press his speed dial and wait. He picks up immediately.

"Hi."

"Hi," I say awkwardly back. He sounds so apathetic. "Um, I was wondering if you wanted to come over today?"

"I'm working."

"I know, but-"

"I'll ask Jason for today off."

"Thanks."

A few minutes later he texts saying he'll be here in thirty minutes. I have no time to lose.

I make my eyes smoky and alluring, making sure to use all waterproof makeup because especially now it's hard to keep my tears from manifesting again. I cake on the foundation and powder so that I look how I did when we first met. I look so young and nostalgia flows through me. We were so happy. What happened?

With my hair, makeup and outfit all in place, I look like a little bit of me and a little bit of him. Then the doorbell rings. As Cassie passes by my room to get him, I tell her to bring him to the filming room. She nods and goes downstairs.

My heart fluttering and my stomach spinning, I go to our room first and sit. It's empty except for two chairs. With my back to the door, I try to decide whether it'd be best to stand or sit but I'm not fast enough and I hear the door open behind me.

Turning around slowly, I face Orion. I think by accident we make eye contact, because a second later we're both looking away.

I try to say something but I don't know how to start.

"Let's sit down."

He walks past me to the chairs and turns one so that they're facing each other. We both sit but remain silent. He's wearing a bright green shirt and light colored khakis and suddenly I'm angry. As angry as Andy was. I bought him that shirt a year ago, but when had he ever worn it? Why was he changing so much?

"You've been distant," I finally say, and all the hurt and anger in me comes out in that sentence.

"Helena, you're the one who's been distant."

I'm astonished, and it shows. Orion is finally looking me right in the eye, not turning away and he is unashamed. My anger is reflected back at me, but less so. And I realize he's even sadder than me. But then why was he with that girl?

"Andy says she saw you this morning with a coworker."

"Aella? Yeah, we work together on the same project. You know her."

I'm silent.

"You think...? Zeus!"

He gets up and paces the room for a while before dragging his chair closer to mine and sitting down. He takes my hands in his.

"You're right, I have been getting closer to her lately."

I start tearing up.

"But not because I want to be with her. Helena, I love you, but you've been shutting me out for months! I needed someone to talk to."

And now I'm really crying. Is that true? Have I been the one pushing him away?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Orion, but it's been so hard."

"I know," he says. He pulls me into him and lets me cry against his chest. It feels so good to be this close to him again.

"Don't cry. I hate it when you're in pain."

"I need you," I say, clinging to him. I can't keep going without him. My world is falling apart, I can't be alone.

"I need you, too."

He holds me until I calm down and then he pulls slightly away to look at me. He wipes the remaining tears from my face and tells me I'm beautiful. He kisses me and I forget everything.

While I'm in the bathroom doing minor touch ups, Orion sits with my parents who fawn over him. My mother has the cook make lunch and even invites him to stay.

By the time I get downstairs, he's talking business with my father, but when I sit next to him, he grabs my hand and kisses me on the cheek. I try to hide how happy I am but my mother catches it and giggles. I smile back at her and I know she's relieved to see me in such a good mood.

Lunch is amazing. Father let the cook return to extravagance, at least for this meal, and it's bright and cheery. We all talk together and laugh and my family forgets about all the shortages and rationing. Orion is just what we've been needing.

We spend the rest of the day together, slipping right into our old pattern. We watch a movie together, we come up with new video ideas and promise to get right on it filming one tomorrow. Before dinner though, he finally leaves. No matter how much my parents and I love him, a meal together was pushing it, and he wants to leave things on a jovial note.

I walk him outside to one of my father's cars where the driver waits with the door open. We kiss goodbye as if it's the last time we'll be with each other and then he steps into the car leaving me wanting more.

In my room I check my tab and phone for the first time since morning and see that I have a dozen missed calls and messages from Andy, Penelope and Daphne. I feel terrible for forgetting about them and call them all back to let them know that everything's all right.

Andy bursts out laughing in her relief and apologizes for jumping to conclusions and I tell her it's okay. Penelope unashamedly expresses her relief, as she was interested in one of Orion's friends that he'd introduced to her. Daphne though, is quiet as usual.

"I'm glad everything's okay."

"Yeah, thanks."

We both pause and in the silence I think about our last conversation.

"I'm sorry for dumping that on you before," she finally says.

"No, it's fine..."

But I know it's not. And with the issue with Orion solved, this other unaddressed one slithers into my mind, filling me with an uncomfortable dread yet again.

"After school Monday can we meet?" I ask her.

"Yeah, I think that'd be good."

After hanging up, I feel all those unanswered questions from the other night coming back up again but I stop them. I don't want to think about them. I want to be happy and carefree, like I've always been, at least until Monday.

Before dinner, I get a message from Orion. He says that he's booked Finnick again for 3 weeks from now.

Indeed, life is as back to normal as can be and I'm grateful.


	8. Chapter 8

All through my classes, I inevitably find my mind wandering to the talk I'll be having with Daphne later. Even the times I'm really into the lesson the next second I'll be thinking about it again. It's like the pink elephant in the room is so big the walls are caving in around it. And I have to admit to myself: I'm scared. I'm scared of what I might have to do to one of my best friends in all the Capitol but to keep peace and protect all the citizens of Panem, I'll do what has to be done.

Lunch is, at best, awkward between Daphne and me, but luckily no one notices. We both have enough friends to keep us occupied the whole break and no one suspects that we're avoiding each other. I wish Orion was here, but however much I asked he always refused to transfer schools.

In my final class of the day, I stare at the clock, trying to will it to slow down or even stop, but time is one of the few things that don't accept my father's checks.

Daphne finds me after the bell's rung, offering to drive me to her house, but I turn her down saying my father sent the chauffeur thinking I'd be coming straight home. She understands and I promise to see her in a few minutes, but of course I'm lying. If things go badly today, I don't want to be stranded at her house until Perseus can come and get me.

The ride there I try to remain as outwardly normal as possible. If Daphne isn't really an anarchist then I don't want to jeopardize her. When Perseus stops in the front, I tell him he can wait for me at the mall close by. He tips his hat to me in thanks for my generosity, but really it's because I don't want him to see who opens the door.

It's been so long since the last time I was here that I had almost forgotten. Daphne's family has absolutely no permanent avoxes. Once a week they hire them to come and clean, but other than those times, they do everything themselves. We'd always thought it so strange, especially since her family had more than enough money to afford several live-in staff, but Daphne never mentioned why so we didn't ask, and we rarely came over. Now I know why and it frightens me even more that maybe Daphne isn't alone in her sentiments about the Capitol. Maybe it's her entire family.

Taking a deep breath, I ring the doorbell and before long sure enough her mother answers.

"Hello Helena," she says.

"Hi Mrs. Charmain," I say, smiling.

She steps aside to let me in before closing the door behind us.

"I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?"

"I'm good, thank you."

"Are you still making videos? I've seen a couple of them, they're very good."

"Thank you. Yes, I am still making them. In fact I just worked on the latest one yesterday."

She beams at me before calling for Daphne and disappearing into the kitchen.

By the time Daphne comes down, her mother has a tray full of pastries and tea. She hands it to her daughter and together we make our way slowly up to her room.

I feel uncomfortable. I wish they didn't do things like this. Even if their son's an avox, do they really have to resort to servants' duties? At least for their guests' sakes couldn't they let go of their nonsense pride?

In her room, Daphne sets the tray on her desk and we both stare at it to avoid looking at each other but we both know that neither of us is going to have any. It would be like drinking blood money.

"So," I finally say.

"So," she says, sighing.

"So you're... not very fond of the Capitol?"

She smiles wryly and I feel a knot in my stomach.

"Do you remember the last time you saw my brother?"

I blink at the unexpected question and start to feel myself blush at suddenly being put on the spot. I thought I was going to be the interrogator.

"Um, I don't know, like three years ago?"

"Four. That was the last time I saw him too."

"But, couldn't you buy him an easier job close by?"

"We could and he does have it relatively easy, but on the other side of the Capitol."

"Why?"

"You think he'd want any of us to see him like that? His voice and future were stolen from him."

I feel anxious and try to make her see reason. I know it'll be painful for her to hear but I know I don't have any other choice.

"But he deserves it."

"You don't even know what he did!"

Daphne's sitting on her bed while I sit at her desk. Her bed rises high off the floor and so right now she's over a head taller than me. Her feet don't even reach the floor and she looks like a child. And she's always been as docile as one, so hearing her shout terrifies me. Who is this girl I thought I knew?

"In his company he was competing for the director's position and the day they were going to announce his victory he was arrested for stealing the company's assets, leaving the seat wide open for his competitor."

"But how do you know he didn't steal them?"

"Because he had more integrity than that! We fought so hard, we paid off so many people but in end they still mutilated him and cast him from society!"

My head spins as her voice echoes around the room and in my ears. I have to get out of here. I have to warn the President about her. But before I can get up, she pulls her legs up into herself and wraps her arms around them and suddenly she looks so vulnerable and tragic I want to put my arms around her and cry for her pain.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, Helena. And thanks for not saying anything about me when we talked before."

"No, of course not..."

"I wouldn't ever do anything against the Capitol. Even if I tried it's not like I could do anything. Nobody here would help me. No one hates the Capitol except the Districts."

I flush.

"What do you mean? How do you know they hate us?"

"How could they not? Like I said, we murder their children."

"They fight against themselves for glory and riches."

"We pluck them from their homes and force them to become murderers and corpses."

I stand up and start pacing. All sympathy for her vanishes under aggravation. I remember Peeta and Katniss and the dissenting Districts and I feel like throwing up.

"Well they deserve it! If they hate us and if they're so stupid and lazy as to not want to do their jobs maybe they should all just die!"

On her bed, Daphne sits up straight and stares at me intently.

"They're not doing their jobs?"

I immediately clamp my hand over my mouth and freeze. Zeus, what have I done?

"Helena, what do you know?"

She slides off her bed.

I back up.

"I'm not telling a would be anarchist anything!"

But I don't have to. I see her eyes light up and although she's looking at me, I know she's not seeing me.

"Of course! That's why we're having shortages! The Districts are rebelling!"

"No! They're just, some of them are just being... they're just dissenting. And soon they'll realize they're wrong and everything will go back to the way things were."

Daphne stops a few feet away from me and looks at me with pity. My anger flares back up and I feel like an idiot although I know I'm right.

"Helena, it seems like you know more than anyone, but you're just as blind. Things have been quiet for almost a century, this was going to happen and now nothing's going to stop them."

I tell myself she's wrong. There's no way the Districts can fight against us, but an irrational fear creeps into me.

"The Districts don't have anything. We have weapons."

"They have weapons too. And anger and experience in hardship. And there are so many of them. Even if a thousand die, they'll keep going and take a hundred of us with them, but we don't know how to cope with that kind of tragedy."

"Then they'll kill you too."

"Not if I let them know I'm on their side."

I really can't take anymore. Spinning around, I fling the door open and start running toward the stairs. Behind me I hear Daphne coming after me. I try to run faster but she manages to grab my arm and hold me tight.

"Helena, I promised I won't do anything and I won't. I'll just be waiting. That's really no different from what everyone else is doing. I hope you think long and hard about whose side you want to be on when this comes to a head."

And then she lets go and I'm outside. Gasping back sobs, I make it to the end of the street before collapsing into tears. I don't know what exactly I'm crying for. I can't even get my thoughts or emotions in order. I don't know if I'm scared, angry or sad and I don't know if I'm crying for Daphne or against her. Or maybe I've finally accepted that the Districts really are preparing for a full blown rebellion and I just might lose everything I've ever had.

It takes me a long time to calm down enough to be coherent but I know my voice still sounds shaky when I call Perseus. If he hears it though he doesn't say anything, not that he can anyway.

Pulling out my compact I see that my makeup's smudged a bit and my eyes are impossibly red. I fix myself as best I can and keep my eyes downcast when he pulls up. I keep the window up between us the whole way back.

In my room I slump on my bed and try to sort everything out. I'd always thought Daphne was quiet and didn't concern herself with much, but now I see that she's just as passionate as any other Capitolist, but for deviant purposes.

I know I should report her, but despite how things ended today she's my friend and I love her. And if she hasn't done anything for all these years, why would she do anything now? Like she said, she has no support.

About her brother, maybe an investigation was warranted, but that's not a good enough reason to want to overthrow the Capitol. There may be flaws with the system, but... I stop. Did I really just say the Capitol isn't perfect?

I try to reason against myself, but then I start to remember all the lies the President has been telling. How he's been keeping the unrest in some of the Districts quiet and lying to us and and... how I was going to turn in a friend to the police, where she'd probably be tortured and killed. As much as I don't want to admit it to myself, these past few months I've also been feeling restless against the government. Maybe things do need to change, but war isn't going to solve anything.

Daphne wants to undo everything out of revenge, the Districts are upset about something, I guess the Hunger Games, and I... well, I just want peace.

My tab lights up to tell me I've got a message. It's from Orion, probably sending me a sample of the video we worked on yesterday. I feel disgusted. The only reason I decided to start making them again was because the President asked me to, but now I know if I make them I'll just be helping him lie to everyone. I thought that was the smart thing to do, keep everyone happy and ignorant, don't cause any panic, but maybe it's our right to know what's going on, especially if a rebellion is in the making.

Without looking at the edited video, I delete it and go in search of my camera. If the President wants me to make videos again I will, but I won't cater to him or those spiteful Victors. This is for the Capitol.


	9. Chapter 9

When I'm done looking through the finished video, I immediately upload it and send a quick thank you to Orion, ignoring the question he sent along with it.

_Are you sure?_

Even after telling him I want nothing cut, he still always tweaks them a little, taking the edge out of it. There's nothing I can do about it because he has all the files and I don't want to make it into a big deal and get into a fight or anything anyway, so I just let it be.

As a result though, almost nobody really notices anything. My viewers' comments remain the same, gushing and squealing about the majority of the content. I really only say a line or two about what I'm actually concerned about.

"Forgive my attire, I had nothing else."

"I wish I could invite you all to my house for dinner!"

"The Districts seem preoccupied."

That last one sent a thrill through me. I was sure that everyone would understand that but no one mentioned it... at first.

I checked every day for a week and for a while there was nothing, but one day between classes I found a private message from _kittish_. My heart pounding in my ears, I opened it. It was a simple message: _Your videos seem to have gotten better._

At first I was disappointed and just put my phone away, but as I thought about it, I began to wonder if someone had finally understood what I was trying to do. Except for those few lines, my videos remained the same. Holding my breath, I dared to hope that there was someone who could see what I see. Sure, that didn't really do anything for my cause of trying to open everyone's eyes to the truth, but by that point I was just hoping that I wasn't alone.

I thought long and hard about what to say back before replying: _Thank you, would you like to come to dinner?_

I picked the most outrageous thing I'd said on my videos. Since our reconnection, even Orion hadn't come over for a meal, let alone dinner. We didn't even invite my uncle and he used to be a frequent guest.

Before class was over, _kittish_ wrote back: _There's something wrong with the Capitol, isn't there?_

After that we kept in regular touch. I told her about how the President was keeping the District dissension under wraps and we discussed whether or not he was keeping other things from us. I didn't see why he would, but she seemed to disagree, but when I asked her about it she was vague.

We grew steadily closer. I found myself saying things that I had never thought of in my life or thought I would, some things even sounded similar to what Daphne believes, but I try not to dwell on that.

As my friendship with _kittish_ deepened, my relationship with Daphne shallowed. We still see each other ever day at school and hang out on the weekends with Penelope and Andy, but we rarely speak to each other and I must admit that I'm scared of her and sometimes I wonder if I'm turning into her, but no, I still love the Capitol with all my heart and want the best for it, not for it to be destroyed. I still believe the President is a good man, too. He's led us for all these years in prosperity, kept us safe and happy... it's just that this time I think he's wrong. I think he needs to realize that we're not all children whose ears need to be covered against all bad things.

The first few weeks I knew _kittish_ I thought everything was going well until she said something distinctly pro Districts. After that I stopped talking to her for weeks until she apologized. I must admit that against my better judgment I accepted and renewed our friendship, as I had been missing her.

It was a long time before she said anything about the Districts again and this time I was kinder and more willing to listen. She admitted that she held a soft spot for the Districts since, afterall, we were part of the same country, Panem. I consented that that was true and we were united for many years without any problems.

And slowly I started to try and understand the Districts. I was still angry with them and not a little scared of them, but I did try.

I also wanted to meet up with _kittish_ in real life, but she always turned me down saying that she did hope to meet later.

By now I feel closer to _kittish_ than nearly everyone in my life. We regularly correspond and today's no different. Laying in bed, we chat on our tabs. Things go as they normally do until she mentions something strange.

_I scraped my knee today._

I'm appalled. I haven't done that since I was a child and even then it wasn't very often.

_Did you put salve on it?_

_ Of course, don't worry, it's fine._

_ What happened?_

_ Um, my brother pushed me out of the way of a... crowd._

_ What?_

_ …_

_ Were you shopping?_

Since the shortages that isn't uncommon, for people to rush around stores buying up everything they have, but at least everyone maintains decorum and manners.

_No, I was walking out of school._

And with that she quickly says goodbye, leaving me stumped. I don't have much time to wonder about her though, since Perseus is waiting for me to take me to Uncle's company.

I keep the window between us open and find myself staring at his reflection through the rearview mirror and suddenly realize how strange it is that he's still our driver. When I was a child he was a normal citizen. He would play with me sometimes and make me laugh, but then he broke the law, I never learned the specifics, but my father still kept him on as our driver. I've always thought Perseus was sweet, but I never gave him much thought before. Now that I am, I see that I feel sorry for him. Maybe I wouldn't if I knew what he did, but right now I do and I like him too much to try and dissuade myself from pitying him.

When we arrive, I put my hand on his shoulder and say thank you.

He's shocked and tenses at my touch but when he sees I'm sincere, he smiles back fearfully before turning his attention forward again. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I can honestly say that I don't care.

Inside, I make my way up to where my uncle greets me as usual. We go through the routine and when we're finished I almost leave, but he asks me about how I've been and I realize we haven't really been talking these past few weeks since I've just been darting in and out.

I tell him about school and how things are going with Orion, until I remember what _kittish_ told me today. At first I want to keep it to myself, since I haven't told anyone about her, but if anyone knows what's going on around all of Panem, it's my uncle.

"Oh, I heard today that there was some kind of commotion? Like, someone almost got run over by a crowd of people?"

"Who told you that?"

"No one, I just kind of overheard it on the street."

He frowned.

"Who'd be talking about that here? Where'd you hear it?"

By now I'm confused and panicked.

"Um, well, I don't know."

He looks at me for a second.

"Helena, do you have any other sources besides me?"

I jump on the out.

"I'm broadening my network."

"Hm. Well I trust you haven't told anyone else about this?"

"No."

"Good. Then," he says, sighing. "Well, if you want to know, there was a riot today on the east side of the Capitol."

"The east?"

I know that the further out you go, the poorer the neighborhoods become, but it's just one of those, apparently many, things I don't think about.

"Yes. They're having even greater food shortages out there and so they're tearing up businesses out there."

"What? Even now?"

"These things can go on for a while."

"But what about peacekeepers? What about the police?"

"It's very difficult to calm a throng of angry and unreasonable people down."

"You're making them sound like the Districts."

"Well... we're all human."

This time I gave him a curious look. I'd never heard it put like that.

We're all human. So why are we all treated so vastly different?

My uncle shows me the footage of the riots. It's nothing compared to the Hunger Games but it makes me feel sick. Even if they are from a different class than me, these are Capitol citizens. These are... _humans._

Involuntarily I let out a sob and my uncle pulls me away from the monitors. He holds me, even when my tears seep into his suit.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shown you that."

"Why not?" I say. "I watch the Hunger Games all the time."

He laughs.

"That's entertainment. This is real life."

I just continue crying because I don't know what I can say to that. Now I know that for all my life I've never really thought of anyone from the Districts as human, not even the Victors. If anything, I'd thought of them as high quality Mutts; intelligent, but in the end still animals that are disposed of when they're no longer needed or wanted.

I pull out of my uncle's grasp because suddenly I can't stand the thought of touching him. I can't even look at him. I hurriedly thank him and then say I'm going home. He makes me promise again that I won't tell anyone about the riot. Nodding, I flee his presence, but it doesn't give me any relief.

As I walk through the studio I feel suffocated by all these people who don't care that we murder dozens of people, of _children_ every year. I'm 17. If I lived in one of the Districts, would I have died in a game by now? I feel so dirty that I want to rip my skin off. Entertainment? It was entertainment. I loved it as much or more than anyone in the Capitol. I have dozens and dozens of videos dedicated to the Hunger Games!

I make it to the bathroom before I throw up. Outside I shakily get into the limo. I can see the look of concern on Perseus' eyes the ride back but I keep the window down.

At home I deprive myself of everything. I tell my parents I ate out, I don't wash, if I could stand the floor I would sleep on it, but I'm pathetic and weak and I can't. I lay in bed for hours crying into my pillow. I can't sleep without my pills, so I don't take them. I deserve to suffer for the rest of my life. Everyone should.

Around four in the morning I finally fall asleep and have night terrors. I scream and scream until even my parents rush past Cassie to check on me.

They're flabbergasted at what they see. I'm drenched in sweat, still wearing my day clothes and my pills lie untouched by my bed.

My mother cries and says she can't do this anymore either. She's never lived like this before and if these shortages don't end soon she's going to lose it.

My father holds me and apologizes for failing us. I want to rip out of his arms but manage to hold it in until they leave after getting me to promise to take care of myself and wash up.

When they've gone, I gently push Cassie out too and lock the door. It's 6 and in a couple hours my parents will be leave for work. Sliding onto the floor, I press my back up against the wall and hold onto myself.

Chapter 10

I hear something beep and snap my head up. I must have fallen asleep because it's 10. Another beep follows the last one and after getting my wits together I remember it's Monday and my friends are probably wondering where I am. I ignore the beeps and escape to the bathroom. I feel sore and whereas yesterday I wanted to keep myself from all luxuries, I think if I don't get in some hot water now I'll lose any sanity I have left.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Wow, sorry for taking so long with the next chapter. It was a hectic few weeks, with work and preparing for my friend's birthday party... but I'm back! And I plan on being consistent again with this thing :D Thanks to everyone reading!

I hear something beep and snap my head up. I must have fallen asleep because my clock reads 10. Another beep follows the last one and after getting my wits together I remember it's Monday and my friends are probably wondering where I am. I ignore the beeps and escape to the bathroom. I feel sore and whereas yesterday I wanted to keep myself from all luxuries, I think if I don't get in some hot water now I'll lose any sanity I have left.

As soon as I lower myself into the bath, my mind clears and I luxuriate in the feel of it all before allowing my senses to return and I get busy doing everything I need to do. I message all my friends telling them that I'm fine and just taking a break from school today to work on some new video ideas. I then type in some actual ideas that I come up with on the spot into my tab to authenticate my claim, since they all watch my videos with ardor.

Next I call my mother to tell her that I'm still not feeling very well and so decided it would be best for me to stay home. She agrees and tells me to get plenty of food and rest and that she'll call school to excuse me. With all that out of the way, I'm again left alone with my thoughts and try to figure out my emotions. I still don't want much to do with anyone, not even my parents, but I've already forgiven them a little because, well, this is how it's always been, this is how we grew up. It's normal. And it's really not the first time in history that we've killed people and thought it was okay, but there's really no going back for me. I know it's wrong and I don't think that will ever change. I don't _want_ it to. How do Daphne and _kittish_ do it? Go through life every day believing something completely contrary to the rest of the Capitol with a smiling face?

By the time I finish my bath, I know that I can't just blend in like them. I could never keep things to myself. That's why I started my video blog!

And with that thought, I know what I'm going to do. What I _have_ to do. Wrapped up in my bathrobe, I sit at my desk and open my laptop. A flurry of thoughts come to me that I try to untangle and put down in a coherent manner. I decide to be bold and declare my belief in the tragedy and horror of the Hunger Games. I already know that Orion won't let me film this, which means that I'll have to do everything myself. The finished product definitely won't be as good as my videos usually are, but it's the content that will drive it into everyone's hearts, I know it. If I can only explain it in a meaningful way, things will change.

While working on my draft, my mind suddenly wanders and I remember _kitish_. _Kittish_! She's the person who finally opened my eyes to the horrible truth that we are murdering humans! And now I know why she always put off us meeting, it was because she was embarrassed by her status. My heart breaks for her. Oh _kittish_, it's okay, I won't judge you! You're my dear friend and I don't know what I'd do without you!

Grabbing my phone, I text her, telling her that I need to talk. I know she won't respond for another hour since she's in class, but I sit anxiously waiting for her response anyway. I get in another line or two about the direction I want my video to go in, but I can't focus. Surprisingly though, barely a minute passes before she texts back, asking what's up?

_Kittish! I know why you didn't want to meet up anymore, and it's okay. Who cares if you're poor?_

_ Um, thanks CG._

_ Of course! So now that I know, can we please meet up? I need to talk to you about the Districts!_

_ You want to talk about the Districts? Why?_

_ Because I finally understand what you were trying to tell me before. It's not…_

I choke back a sob.

..._It's not right that we force them to fight to the death._

_ Mm, all right, let's meet up. Are you free today?_

We agree to meet in the afternoon after she gets out of school, halfway between where we both live. It'll take about an hour to get there but I know it'll be worth it.

Somehow, time passes quickly and before I know it I'm standing outside a café that looks fairly well but rather worn. You would never see such deterioration where I'm from, and I wonder if it's sanitary.

Walking up to one of the tables outside, I sit down, smoothing my skirt out. I'm wearing a casual skirt and sweater that I got three years ago. I'm not sure how it escaped my notice in my closet for all these years, but I'm glad that they were there, since they help me blend in more with my new surroundings.

Despite myself, I feel out of place and a little snobbish though I know I shouldn't. This is just as much part of the Capitol as my little end of it, everyone is just as much a person as I am, but the feeling is hard to shake.

I try to look nonchalant, but apparently fail terribly.

"We can go back to the Westside if you want."

I turn around and come face to face with, presumably, _ kittish_.

It's a bit shocking to see her. Not her clothes, I was prepared for that, they kind of remind me of Daphne's style, but her stature. She's tiny! I don't know what exactly I was expecting, but she's had such an impact in my life that I must have thought she'd be bigger, more imposing.

I stand up to greet her and her neck has to tilt up to maintain eye contact with me, it's really adorable, but I can tell she wouldn't want me to say anything like that.

"_Kittish_?"

"Aella."

"Hi, Aella," I say, beaming. "It's so good to finally meet you!"

I go in for a hug and she receives it, albeit stiffly.

There are so many things that I want to tell her and ask her, that I feel I'll burst! So before she even sits down I let out a stream of questions. I really would like to tell her all about my plan first, but I don't want to be rude. And I really am curious about her. We never went into anything personal when we talked.

"So how did you become sympathetic to the Districts?"

Aella looks all around us before answering, although we're the only ones at the cafe and everyone else is either too far away or far too engaged in their own doings to pay any attention to us.

She shrugs.

"Not everyone in the Capitol is that partial to the Hunger Games."

I frown a bit at her vague answer. Here I am ready to tell her everything about me and what I'm planning and it seems as if she doesn't trust me.

"Oh?"

She shakes her head.

"But there are few who'd admit to that."

"Why not?"

"Because that's dangerous."

I can't understand what she could mean and I feel a bit uncomfortable, so I move on to a different topic.

"So do you have any siblings?"

"A brother."

"Oh, older or younger?"

"Older."

"I wish I had an older brother! Or any kind of sibling, really. It does get kind of lonely sometimes at home."

There's a pause when she doesn't respond and I begin to blush. I open my mouth to say something else when she cuts me off.

"You said you didn't agree with the Hunger Games anymore?"

"Oh, yes."

I guess she just wants to get right down to it.

"How'd you come to that?"

"Well... it took a while," I say, shyly.

I tell her about all the things I've been going through for the last few months and her own recent part in opening my eyes to the truth. I don't leave anything out, except for a few sordid details concerning Daphne that might get her in trouble.

When I finish, she sits unmoving and looking down at the table and I hope more than anything that she would like me and that we would really be friends. I hope that everything I said had been right.

Finally, she looks up at me saying, "It must have been hard accepting that the way we treat the Districts is wrong."

I nod, the tears in my eyes fresh from having sprung up every now and again in my story.

She pats my hand and I smile at her for the comfort and she finally smiles back.

After that, our dynamic changes completely. I order us two cups of tea and we chatter away like the best of friends.

Aella tells me that her brother, Aeolos, is a Peacekeeper in District 7. I didn't even know that anyone from the Capitol became Peacekeepers. She informs me that not very many people from the Capitol do, but her family had no choice, as they had accrued an immense debt that they couldn't repay any other way.

"But why didn't he stay here?"

"He did for a few years, but then he got restless. He wanted to travel, so he got a transfer. He calls us regularly. Most of the other Peacekeepers treat everyone really badly. He gets in trouble sometimes for being too lenient."

She tells me about the various punishments they use to keep the District under control and I'm horrified. I don't think I've even seen anything so brutal in the Games.

"See, I don't understand that. How can he stand to see that happen?"

"Because he has no other choice."

"But we do, we're not prisoners."

"Helena, we're all trapped by the government and by President Snow."

"What do you mean?"

"It's all about power. To maintain it, they keep the Districts under constant fear and attack and us as airheaded hedonists."

"No, we started the Hunger Games to punish the Districts for starting a Civil War. I'll admit we took it too far and have kept it up for far too long, but a government is there to protect us and to provide for us."

Aella doesn't argue with me and we continue to talk of different things, but her silence on the subject still leaves a slight impression on me.

After a while, I finally get to the subject that I've most been wanting to talk about. I tell her about my idea for my video: I'll start off praising Katniss and Peeta, then I'll move on to the past Victors and to the coming year's Victor. Then I'll ask them what they thought about the Victors before they won, when they were still playing. Weren't they nothing to us then? Why are they so precious now? Because they've become a little more human in our eyes now that we can bear to care for them since they're safe from death? Let's remember that we're all one, the Districts and the Capitol. We are Panem.

I wait with baited breath for Aella's reaction. I expect her to be happy and to be supportive, just as she was with my small insinuations in my recent videos, but I'm again surprised by this small yet powerful girl.

"Helena, please don't do that."

She says it directly, as I've come to realize is so her.

"Why not?"

"Because they will at the very least turn you into an Avox and at the very worst kill you."

"But I'm not being seditious or anything."

"But you are. You're insulting the Capitol."

"How?"

She shakes her head.

"Please, Helena, even if you don't understand, please don't do it. They might not just go after you. Think about your family."

"I'm sorry, Aella. I don't know why you and my other friend are so sure that the government is so hostile toward its own people, but I believe in it. It's never done me or anyone here any real wrong."

We part that day somberly but I'm sure that everything will be okay once I post that video. The Capitol will realize its error and repent, Daphne and Aella will see that the government loves us and wants us to be free and happy.

And it's with that thought that I turn on the camera, still wearing the outdated clothes I met Aella in, and begin.


	11. Chapter 11

Even in my hysterics, curled up into a ball on my bed, crying into my knees, my cheek burns so hotly I think it must have seared into my skull.

In my fervor to post the video as quickly as possible, I stayed up all night filming and editing it, not finishing until about four in the morning. I posted it immediately after making sure that it was everything that I wanted it to be. Not thirty minutes after, our door was knocked down and a sea of Peacekeepers stormed in.

My parents and I ran out of our rooms while the Avoxes hid throughout the house. They shoved my mother aside and one grabbed me by my hair and started dragging me down the stairs, ignoring my screams. The others rushed around, breaking or knocking things over, causing utter chaos. My father demanded to know what was going on.

I was almost to the door when one of the Peacekeepers called to the one holding me to stop. He let go of me immediately and I ran to my mother and held on tight with my eyes shut until I heard the door shut downstairs and I knew they'd all gone.

I opened them again in time to see my father reach for me. His grip was hard and painful and I looked to my mother to stop him, but she just stared straight ahead and I realized that she hadn't held me back in all that time.

Once I was standing, without saying a word, I saw my father take a half step toward me before I was knocked back down by the force of his slap.

I wanted to look up at him to ask why he'd done this through the pain, but I couldn't. I was still confused and terrified about the Peacekeepers and now I was afraid of him. Silently, he pulled my mother up and they went back to their room with a slam of the door, further isolating me in my panic and fear.

I'd never felt so helpless. Holding my hand over my mouth to keep from making too much noise, I bawled in the hallway and dragged myself toward my room. The whole way there, I didn't see a single servant. What had I done that warranted such quarantine?

I think I threw up a few times on the way in because laying in bed I smell acrid and my throat burns, though not nearly as badly as my face and heart.

For a long time I don't understand what happened or why. When my tears finally run dry, I start to wonder if it was my video. I'm appalled and aghast that Aella was right and rail against myself bitterly for not believing her when she's been right about everything so far. Accepting that there's something deeply wrong with the Capitol and our government is hard, even harder than accepting that the Hunger Games is wrong, and I still don't want to accept it, even in the face of what's just happened. I want to apologize and thank them for not taking me away, my father must have offered up a lot of money. I want to go back to ignorance and bliss. I wish I'd never talked to Daphne or Aella or learned the things I did, but it's too late. I'm trapped in the nightmare of my making.

When the door to my room opens, I cringe and roll up into a tighter ball. The person pays no mind and sets what sounds like a tray down on my vanity, and I know it's Cassie. She comes over to my bed and I feel her press a warm, moist cloth against the side of my face.

I pull my face up and peek up at her, expecting her usual neutral expression, but she smiles a kind, sad smile at me that takes me aback. She must have realized that they were going to take me away, maybe make me into an Avox like her, but my father's money saved me. Wouldn't that make her hate me?

The spot where my father slapped me stings when she moves the cloth over it and she sucks in her breath when she sees it. She gently wipes it clean before wiping my arms and hands, then brings over the tray filled with a hot, steaming breakfast.

She turns to leave but I call out to her to stay. She hesitates for a moment before closing the door and walking back. I tell her to come sit on my bed and she looks frightened and shakes her head and hands but I tell her it's okay. I really shouldn't be interacting with an Avox, especially after this morning, but I really don't want to be alone right now and I Cassie is the only sympathetic person toward me I know of right now.

It takes a while of coaxing, but she finally sits down beside me and I share my food with her. It feels normal and nice and I thank her for staying with me and for how faithfully she's served our family all these years.

Obviously she doesn't say anything and I say just a little more than that, but by the time I'm done with breakfast, this morning's events seem more like a nightmare that's passing away.

Taking the tray from me, she replaces it at my vanity before going into the bathroom to start my bath. When she comes out, she pats my head as if I was a child and smiles.

Although she's still young, still in her twenties, she's watched over me since I was about 7 and I realize for the first time that she must love me and I love her.

After my bath, I find that all physical traces of the events of the morning are gone. My vomit is all cleaned up, my bed has new, clean sheets and pillows neatly arranged on it and the hallway is cleared of all the detritus.

I gain a new respect for our servants then, but if I thought Cassie was a representative of all their opinion of me, I was sadly wrong. Except for the cook who also gives me a relieved grin, and who is not an Avox, everyone avoids me and if I'm not mistaken, their usually placid faces are replaced with tight lips and furrowed foreheads.

Upstairs, I go into my film room and find that everything is gone. Even my phone and tab are missing, but I need them to know that the President has probably taken down my account.

Not wanting to stay at home and having already missed a day of school, I make it there for the last class. My friends ask me why I haven't been responding to their messages and I give them vague answers and tell them I'm tired.

Penelope, Andy, Daphne and I decide to hang out together after school, but outside I run into Orion who looks unsettled. I have never seen him unsettled. Even when we were going through that rough patch in our relationship he remained calm and logical. My heart sinks as I try to imagine what sort of horrible thing could have happened to him to upset him so.

I promise to catch up with my friends later if they're still hanging out and we get into his car. He drives us away from the crowd of students until we find a relatively empty area and he parks.

"What's wrong, Orion?"

Staring straight ahead at nothing, he answered, "The President revoked my internship and I've been banned from working at the studio indefinitely."

"Orion-"

"And the Peacekeepers came to my house at five in the morning, tearing it apart and taking all my equipment. They didn't even leave me with my phone! When I demanded an explanation they told me it was because I'd made a mockery of the Capitol with our videos."

"But you didn't have anything to do with it-"

"I told you you shouldn't say those things on your videos!" he shouted, finally turning to me.

"Why? When did you become an anarchist?"

"Anarchist?"

"Just get out."

"Orion," I say, tears running down my face. "I'm sorry."

"From now on, we don't know each other."

"Orion, please..."

"GET OUT!"

I want to throw my arms around him and tell him I love him and remind him that he loves me too, but how can I after ruining his life?

So I claw around the door, looking for the handle until I find it. The moment I step out, he revs away and I nearly fall but stop myself. Clinging to myself, I find a secluded spot between two buildings and cry and cry until I pass out.

When I come to, I'm in a hospital bed alone. My parents must have been informed about me and their absence speaks volumes. I want to cry again but I'm so tired I can't.

The doctor tells me that I fainted from dehydration and fatigue and my body shows signs of severe stress. He says they'll keep me here overnight before releasing me, but even at home I should get a lot of bed rest and stay home from school for at least a week. He then prescribes the proper drugs for my ailment then excuses himself.

At my bedside table, I find a two sleeping pills and a glass of water. I wish there was entire bottle of those so I would never have to wake up again, but a hospital probably isn't the best place to try and kill yourself, so I make do with them.

My father comes himself to pick me up. After the doctor does a quick check up on me and leaves, my father sits down at the edge of my bed beside me and apologizes.

"I never knew what fear was like until they almost took you away."

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"Promise me you'll never go against the government again."

"I promise," I say, surprised that I'm not crying.

He hugs me then and I hold him back, but I feel disconnected. It's not that I hate him, I just... I don't feel anything.

"I love you, Princess."

I don't say anything, but just squeeze him a little harder for fear my voice would sound unconvincing when I said it back.

The first two days back home, I keep thinking that I'll shake off this sudden apathy, but then it starts to become normal and I don't mind it much. I don't care that Orion hates me, I don't care that my parents love me and I don't care that I can no longer do my video blogs.

When my friends visit me, I smile my old winning smile at them and they go away relieved to see I'm well and unchanged, but I feel the same as when they first arrived: nothing. And it's nice. Thinking about how I used to be, I can't believe it. Every little thing was enough to make me cry tears of joy, of sorrow or anger. But then everyone's pretty much like that. How do they stand it?

My parents get me a new tab and phone and I tell a worried Aella that I'm alright. She promises to visit Saturday and I'm glad. Maybe I'm not jumping up and down in joy about it like I'd used to, but I'm happy in my own new way.


	12. Chapter 12

I'm laying in bed with my homework sprawled all around me when I hear a knock. I look up to see Cassie and then Aella who stands timidly behind her. She's obviously wearing her best dress, but even that probably caused her to receive a few stares.

I laugh at the sight. Aella timid? Yeah right. When she hears me, she cracks a smile and walks in, shedding that cowering air she'd put on.

She helps me clear a space for her before hopping up onto my bed, which is quite an accomplishment for someone so tiny.

"I'm glad to see you laughing."

"Me too. How was the trip out?"

"Awkward."

"You can take some of my clothes. If you're going to keep visiting me, it's probably best for the both of us if you do."

"Thanks."

We're silent, then, for a while, the real reason for her visit palpable. As I'm the only one of us who feels unconcerned about it, I broach the subject first.

"They took all my equipment."

She nods.

"They're making videos with your face."

This is news to me. Assuming that the Capitol had taken down my account, I hadn't gone onto my website, but I guess it's better for them if "I" keep lauding the Hunger Games to their citizens.

Suddenly very curious, I go and find the latest shining video which was just posted yesterday. I click it to see a glowing rendition of me beaming into the camera wearing a new dress and babbling away about how eager she is for the Quarter Quell and if District 12 will have an advantage this year since they'll have two recent Victors as coaches.

They've made me more beautiful than I could possibly be. It almost hurts to look at her.

I nod.

"This is perfect. It's like you said, we shouldn't cause any ripples in Panem."

"What did they do to you?" she asks, genuinely concerned.

"They took my boyfriend from me by destroying his career opportunity, they almost turned my family against me and they almost killed me or turned me into an Avox."

"Helena," she says, grabbing my hand.

I smile and squeeze hers in reassurance.

"But they taught me I was wrong and you were right. I should have listened to you. I'm sorry for all the trouble this has caused."

I can see she hates that she's right, that she wants to reverse her own argument and fight openly against such a hateful government, but she's smart and we both know she won't. There's really only one option. We have to wait for someone else to start it.

"I don't know how long it will take it, but one day the Districts will rebel again and maybe one day the government will fall. We just have to be patient," I tell her. "They're already beginning now. Maybe it'll be soon."

She nods.

There's a lot more to say but then again we've said it all, so I get up and go through my closets with her and eventually send her off with a new bag filled with six new outfits.

I wish I could have Perseus drive her back, but that would be too conspicuous, so I let her go with a hug and a promise from her to return soon.

And with that, I'm back in my room, straining my neck as I continue my homework. It's really such good luck that I've become detached from my emotions, because if I wasn't, I don't think I could be so productive. The issues with the Capitol and the Districts are still in my mind, but they are quiet murmurs compared to my own immediate concerns. I finish the majority of my homework by late afternoon, giving me time to work out and keep up my health.

After that, all sweaty and tired, but a good tired, I start to undress for a shower when I notice something. Leaning into the mirror, I press down the hair atop my head and see slivers of dark brown pushing my artificially bright orange hair away from my scalp. My roots!

"My hair is brown," I say, slowly remembering that this is true. I haven't seen my real hair since I was a child.

And suddenly I want to dig up everything, I want to uncover myself.

I run into my parents' room and dig around in my mother's hair products until I find the dye remover. I've never used it myself, but the instructions are simple and as I sit while it dissolves everything orange on my head, I almost feel excited.

In the shower, I watch all the color drip off me and away into the drain, into the sewer, far, far away from me. When I'm done, I start on the rest of me. I take out my earrings and rub off my nail polish from my finger and toenails. I refrain from plucking my eyebrows. Finally, I stand in front of my mirror, naked and totally me and I don't cringe that I don't have layers of foundation caked on my face.

I change into something relatively simple then go back to my parents' room to put the dye remover back but smell something sickly sweet wafting out from behind the doors.

I'm confused at first, but then decide my mother must be back. She and my father had gone on a lunch date with some of my father's partners, and usually they last all day, so I wonder if she's sick.

I knock on the door but when I don't get a response, I tentatively open it and take a peek inside. She's lying back against her pillows in bed with a long tube in her mouth connected to a pretty vase-like thing. Every few seconds she takes the tube out to puff out smoke and then I know why she's been so dazed and absent lately. She stares past me, not noticing I'm there and I shrug and make my way to her bathroom. If that soothes her during these difficult times, why shouldn't she partake? She doesn't look sickly at all, which means she hasn't been doing it too much or for too long. As long as it's in moderation, fine.

And soon my mother is out of my thoughts and I'm trying to find a way to pass the time. Without my videos or my friends, because really, who wants to stick around inside all day with a sick person? I'm at a loss as to what to do. I might watch television but there's really only drivel on and I'm finding it all more and more tiresome.

So I find out Cassie, who's cleaning one of our living rooms and after watching for a bit, decide to try it out for myself. She tries to stop me, but I slip a rag from her grasp and try and mimic what I've seen her do.

When she comes to terms with the fact that she can't stop me, she points out places for me to help and watches me out of the corner of her eye, to make sure I'm doing a good job. She teaches me a few tricks and has to redo a few spots, but she smiles at me and I feel productive and like I've accomplished something.

Somewhere during our cleaning together, I start to wonder about her life before she was an Avox. She was so young, just a couple years older than I am now. How must it have felt for her to lose everything? I want to go and get my tab to get her to type out a conversation with me, but I hear Perseus pull up and she snatches the cleaning products away from me and pushes me away.

I go to the door where my father comes in. He greets me with a long, warm hug and kisses me on the forehead. My father wasn't exactly cold to me before, but since the incident he's become quite affectionate with me. I'm afraid he's noticed the change in my disposition despite my care to act as like my old self as possible, and thinks it must be his fault. Maybe it is partly because of him that I've changed, but it's really not a bad thing, at least in my opinion, but I don't think it would be best to tell him that.

He hands me a new dress from his collection and I smile and twitter about it, thinking how well the government and my father know my tastes, for it's the exact same dress my other self was wearing.

"Hm, so whose hair do you have now? That feisty Victor's?"

"No, it's mine."

"Ah, it's beautiful."

"Thanks, Dad."

He pats my head.

"Is dinner ready?"

"I think so. Let me go put this away."

"Yes, and I'll get your mother. She was feeling a little sick today."

At dinner, my mother barely eats what little food there is on her plate and is mostly unresponsive. My father and I smile and pretend that everything is alright, and it pretty much is. His business has steadily been losing revenue, but not enough to do any real damage. We still have enough food to last us for months and mother's addiction can easily be done away with at the hospital.

The Hunger Games don't come up at all, when usually we would talk about it at least once. Really, the entire Capitol revolves around them, but it's still a sore spot for him and, he must believe, one for me.

Instead, he talks about the silly things that his employees and colleagues do at the office and out of it. About how one worker was caught exchanging his suit for a newer model, when every available outfit had to be sold, or another with a rather round face who went to the worst plastic surgeon in the city and came back looking like a macaque.

"I've seen people turn into macaques and they're adorable, but this one, well, you just know that's not what the surgeon was going for."

All in all, it's a very nice dinner and I'm glad when my father kisses me goodnight, looking relieved that I seem to be in a better mood. I'm also pleased that I'm becoming more adept at faking my emotions. I'm probably a better actress that I've ever been.


	13. Chapter 13

At last the Hunger Games are beginning again and so much has happened this year I think that everyone is even more worked up for it than usual. The food shortages have only continued and there have been more and more riots on the eastside. Although I sneak Aella food for her and her family every time she visits, she still looks a little thinner every time I see her.

My parents think it's a fashion choice. My mother compliments her and my father tells her to keep it easy, she's already very pretty. She's learned to laugh it off and strike a few poses for them. They really like her a lot. Although she lives so far away, she comes by fairly often and most times we just hang out inside, giving my parents plenty of opportunities to chat with her. We tell them that she goes to my school but we never really talked until recently when she transferred into one of my classes.

As we sit on the couch all lined up in a row waiting for the drawings to begin, my parents to my right and Aella to my left, I watch my mother laugh at something Aella says before contributing to the conversation too. For the first few weeks after I found out about my mother's addiction, my father and I turned a blind eye, but when it got to the point that she wasn't even trying to hide it anymore and she stopped going out altogether, we finally decided enough was enough and she had to start facing reality again.

It was a trying day for my father, but after the detox my mother was clear and bright and he whisked her off for a shopping spree and had the cook prepare a lavish meal that probably used up a week's worth of food. My mother loved it, but after that first day my father just couldn't afford to treat her that way again. He had to get back to work and we had to keep saving our food, but luckily my mother understood and apologized for the way she'd been. She slipped back into her life easily and even dealt well with our limited food rations.

I still see Daphne, Andy and Penelope all the time, but now that we've graduated, they've been busy preparing for their trade schools. Andy, surprise surprise, decided to be a fashion designer and dreams of one day being a stylist in the Hunger Games. At first she'd been put off because all the new designers usually have to start with District 12, but since Cinna's re-imagining she says she doesn't mind so much.

Daphne's just going to go to work for her father for maybe a year while she tries to figure out what she really wants to do, but she's hinted that she might want to be a doctor. I almost shuddered at the thought. I could imagine her killing healthy patients on her rounds, sticking needles full of air into their veins or giving them the wrong medication. But it's unlikely that she'd take out her hatred of the Capitol in that way, if not by her conscience, then at least because everything is so carefully monitored and error is almost impossible with current technology.

And our beautiful Penelope has already started modeling. She's breathtaking on the runway and makes people believe that things are okay and that fabrics aren't just one of the many things we just don't have anymore.

As for me, I've always known what I wanted to do, but from the events that occurred those months ago I wasn't sure if it was still feasible, but my family is very wealthy and influential and there were no issues that came up when my uncle signed me up to work for him. Although it'd be best for me to start now, in fact most of the new interns and employees are currently at the station, my uncle said he wanted me to watch the Quarter Quell with my parents, because the Hunger Games is really a family thing and once I start working, I'll really be an adult and those times will be rare.

Sitting between my mother and Aella, I look positively plain, almost like a District girl. Finding the store that Daphne always shops at, I bought almost all of their clothes, which made the owner burst out crying in gratitude. To keep up appearances though, and perhaps for my own remaining vanity, I still put makeup on and since the majority of my clothes are bright and flashy and from my father's company, I still wear those most of the time too.

As for Orion, I haven't heard from him or about him at all. I don't know what he's doing, but I'm sure he's okay. He's too smart to just slip into oblivion. Sometimes I think of him and wonder if I miss him, but when I try to feel it, I don't. Even remembering how I used to feel with him before, I just don't feel it now.

The one time I did kind of feel something was when Aella told me about Katniss' and Peeta's tragic love story.

"I thought it wasn't tragic anymore."

"You've been... distracted lately, so I guess you didn't see it."

"See what?"

"Katniss and Peeta became engaged and she even had a wedding shoot, but then right after they broadcast that the President announced what the Quarter Quell was going to be."

"What?"

"The Tributes this year will be former Victors."

I felt a dull shock run through my system before it disappeared without leaving a trace.

"Oh."

Now as the intro to the program ends, my father shushes Aella and my mother and turns up the volume. We peer into District 1. Bright and clean and full to the brim with eager civilians. The names are drawn in quick succession. It's Cashmere and Gloss.

"Oh no," my mother says, pouting.

My father shakes his head.

"Shame. But at least now we'll get to see them fight together! I wonder which one will win?"

I smile at him before turning back to the television.

One by one, they run through all the Districts, counting down and ripping out the hearts of all those in the Capitol. My mother cries for her favorite past Victors and even recognizes a few from when she was a child. When Finnick's chosen, I must admit I'm disappointed, but otherwise Aella and I sit staring at the screen somber or stoic.

When District 12's turn finally comes, my mother is bawling and my father holds her while rolling his eyes at us and grinning.

As he tries to coax her into going shopping, Aella and I go up to my room where we end up sitting silently for a while, thinking about what we've just seen.

"What are you thinking?" Aella asks.

"I'm trying to figure out why the President would use Victors this time around."

"Me too."

"It seems kind of like he's trying to appease the Districts. Like, we're not going to take any new children from you. Just the old ones. But..."

"But the President doesn't know how to be merciful," Aella finished. "I can't imagine what he's thinking. Everyone in the Capitol loves the Victors. However small it is, he's taking a risk."

"Yeah, so what could he gain by killing Victors?"

Together we wrack our brains, listing the few ideas that come to mind only to shoot them down. The only thing that we keep getting stuck on is the President having a personal vendetta against one of them but he's not that frivolous and if he wanted someone killed, we were sure he could do that much faster and less publicly any time he wanted.

"Maybe he's trying to send a message?" Aella says.

I nod my head, thinking this is the most plausible thing we've come up with so far.

"He's trying to say... that..." I say.

"...That even the Victors aren't free from the Capitol's control?"

"That they're not really Victors. They're still pawns."

Aella doesn't bat an eyelash at my conclusion. Earlier on, she'd been disconcerted by my severe change in mindset and attitude, but it's so normal now I can barely believe there was a time when I was so blatantly ignorant. It's a little harder for my other friends to accept the new me. I try to act like my old self, but I just can't. I'm apathetic whenever they talk about fashion, the hopeless state their hair is in... it's all so stupid I'm too embarrassed to do anything more than give them a wan smile.

But if there's any good in my friends, it's that they're loyal so whenever they go out they still always invite me and ask my opinion of this and that and avoid talking about Orion at all costs. They never even used to look at guys when we hung out, but after I assured them it was okay, they became free to gawk at or gush over any cute guy that was currently on their radar.

"Aelos says things are getting worse over there. The Peacekeepers are either punishing or killing people every week, but everyone's still refusing to work. They've even attacked and killed some of the Peacekeepers. I think maybe this is it. I think we're on the brink of war."

"You know the country before Panem always had the worst loss of life during civil wars?"

"Our leaders aren't giving us much of a choice otherwise."

"What about your brother? Do you think he'll be okay?"

"He has some friends in District 7," she said, before shrugging. "But who knows."

"You should tell him to transfer back here."

Aella turns away, facing the wall. I wonder for a moment if she's angry with me for butting into her family's situation, but when she doesn't turn back or say anything I put a hand on her shoulder.

Lowering her head, she quickly brings it back up and lets me see her tears. I feel sorry for her and hold her until she gets a hold of herself, which doesn't take long, but all I can really think is that it would be so much better for her if she could be like me. Detached from everything. But then what's become a familiar guilt that I can't empathize with a friend slips in. But I can't help it. I'm not sad at all. And I know there's something wrong with me, but who wants to feel sad? Especially someone who's only experienced tragedy for nearly a year?

Once she's okay again, she tells me that her brother refuses to come back home in her usual sarcastic tone and I'm relieved. Cassie comes in shortly after with hot tea and cookies. She told me via my tab that she and the other avoxes have a system worked out so that once one of them knows about something amiss at home, they all do. Of course any sort of communication for them is illegal, but even the densest Capitolist knows that a person deprived of human interaction will go insane, and we want to keep all our servants and manual laborers sane and healthy for as long as possible so we let things like that slide most of the time.

She sets the food down on my dresser and leaves without either of us acknowledging each other. Although I do trust Aella, I don't want any of us to suffer from the repercussions of being friendly with an avox, so I keep our friendship a closely guarded secret.

After our tea, Aella decides it's time to go back home since it's getting into late evening and she needs to catch the train back home. I sneak her out past my parents, who believe her own driver always picks her up from our house, garnering a promise that she'll return to watch the Opening Ceremonies.

At dinner my father complains that Aella always leaves before he or my mother can say bye, and I tell him again that she hates goodbyes because she thinks they're awkward. He pouts and I laugh and for most of the dinner that's all we really say. I'm too distracted thinking about war and death.


	14. Chapter 14

Tomorrow the Games will begin again officially, but I realize this year that they've already started. Watching the round of interviews with my parents, I see through all the facades the Tributes put up. They each act sure of themselves and funny and cool, and I used to believe that's how they really were, but now I know it's all another way to keep alive. Make us love them so we'll protect them in the arena.

It doesn't say too much about my deductive skills though, because they're quite obvious about it, directly asking the President to change the game, but I suppose they keep it light hearted enough that it's able to air, but really I don't think the President has much of a choice. They can't just not air the interviews.

The Opening Ceremony was as grand as ever. Andy went on and on about it _during_ the Ceremony, but I didn't really mind because it wasn't like I was hanging on the edge of my seat noting every detail as I'd done in the past. Every so often I'd just ummed and ahhed when she took a breath between each description.

I'm still very disappointed when Finnick comes out. He's as beautiful as ever and breaks all the girls' hearts who would, if they could, rush up on stage and whisk him out of there, but really none of them should be up there. Especially not them. They already went through that torture. I can't believe how cruel the President and everyone is.

By the fifth or sixth District, I'm really tired of watching people pleading for their lives, but my parents are glued to the screen. I've never seen my father so into the games before.

But then Katniss comes out and I really can't believe what I see. She's wearing a wedding dress! What kind of sick joke is that? The audience seems to agree with me. And my mother sucks in her breath.

"What's going on?" she says. "Are they going to get married before the Quell?"

She sounds excited and on the verge of tears at the same time. They really know how to make a good show over there.

I start paying attention again.

She apologizes for not being able to let everyone see her and Peeta get married. My mother starts to choke up and my father rubs her between the shoulders. And then she starts spinning again like last year and it feels so nostalgic I smile ironically to myself.

And then her gown bursts into flames and falls off of her to reveal a new dress. It's black, and I immediately think funeral. But it's also stunningly beautiful and reminds me of a bird. It feels familiar and I wonder what it could be, but I don't have to wonder for long, because Caesar reminds us all that it is the bird from Katniss' token, the mockingjay.

That's really quite clever on the President's part, I have to admit. Reminding us that she is not a bride, but a warrior. My phone buzzes, no doubt a mass text from Andy to all of us, but I ignore it. I wonder if anyone will sponsor her when there's probably no chance that they'll allow two Victors again. Maybe it's best for them both if they finally die together. They seem so destined for tragedy.

When Peeta comes up, I really don't know what more he can add. But then he delivers the greatest surprise of all. He and Katniss are already married and expecting a baby!

A shock runs through me again and my mother is now bawling. Even my father shakes his head in pity. It takes me a while, what with seeing my parents like this and the audience hysterical, to feel the warmth dripping down my face. Reaching up to touch it, I pull my hand back and realize I'm crying.

I feel someone patting my arm and look up to see my father looking down at me with a sad smile on his face. Then my mother pulls me into a hug and I can't control the tears. I'm stunned. I didn't think I could cry anymore, but there you go. Maybe there's hope that one day I'll be human again.

After they show the Victors all lined up in a row holding hands, they really can't afford to air anything more and the broadcast is replaced by recaps of the Reaping and Opening Ceremony and various experts make predictions about who will make it the farthest and who's most likely to win.

And I can't stay there in the living room anymore. I untangle myself from my mother after giving her a comforting squeeze and go back up to my room where I lay down.

I keep thinking about Peeta and Katniss and their baby. I know their future. That newly formed family will die. But what about my own? Surprisingly until now, I didn't really give it any thought. But now I know that I want a family. I want a husband and I want a baby. I want everything my parents have. I want a _life_. But what will happen if the rebellion really does come to pass? What if it doesn't? I don't think I can stand to be with anyone from the Capitol and I don't think anyone could stand to be with me now either.

Suddenly I've never wanted anything more in my life than to have my own family and I realize why things have been so quiet for the last 75 years. It's because nobody wanted to give that up. No matter how horrible things are in the Districts, at least they could love and bear fruits of that love. Of course some of them lost their children, but it's really only a small chance that their family will be picked. Overall, it's peaceful. Which is why things must be so devastatingly awful for them to rebel and probably give up everything.

And what happens if they win? No one in the Capitol has ever experienced anything like sacrifice. The worst we've gone through is less food and pretty dresses, and that's just recently. How will the Districts deal with us?

I mull all this over for a long time, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I finally sigh in exasperation and try to will myself to be patient and wait until things actually start to happen.

Cassie comes in a little while later and we talk. She and all the other avoxes are deeply grieved by the Quarter Quell too. She tells me that before she was forced into becoming an avox she'd loved the Hunger Games, but nothing causes more empathy for another person than suffering yourself.

I comfort her as best as I can before she goes to the kitchen to help the Cook prepare dinner.

After she leaves I start feeling restless again and decide to go out for a walk. Without my videos, I've really had nothing to do and have been feeling unproductive and lazy.

I change into a pair of one of my work out clothes and sneak out the front door. On the front step I look out at my neighborhood, plotting out a route and distance. When I settle on one, I start jogging, keeping at a reasonable speed for all but ten seconds before sprinting. The air is warm and humid and when I start to sweat I feel absolutely drenched, but for once I don't mind feeling icky.

When I reach the turn I need to take to get back home, I pass it and keep going. My lungs hurt and I'm starting to feel light headed but I don't stop. I run and run and run until finally my legs collapse under me and I'm gasping for air. My vision blurs and turns black for a while as I sit on the pavement. It takes me a long time to recover but my frustration is gone and I'm back to feeling nothing again.

My legs feel a bit shaky when I get up, but I can walk and I'm not in a hurry so I take my time. I'm surprised at how far I ran and to pass the time look through different neighbors' windows. A lot of them are still watching all the recaps and news about the Quarter Quell. If the TV is on, it's on one or another channel broadcasting it.

The streets are completely empty, everyone's inside talking about it, laughing about it, and a few, still crying about it.

By the time I make it back home, my parents have already eaten dinner without me. I don't mind. I eat in the kitchen with the Cook and a couple of the other avoxes who've warmed up to me. It's a lot of fun. Although they can't speak, they use gestures, facial expressions and a rudimentary sign language they made up to tell jokes and stories, the gist of which can be understood by the layman.

I find myself imagining filming them, I think it would make a really fun and nice video, but I don't even dare record anything on my phone. And besides, I think they're being so lively tonight because they're so sad and frustrated about the Hunger Games.

Looking through the cabinets, I find some chocolate and ask the Cook to help me make some desserts. We put together some nice chocolate pudding and I serve it to everyone. The sweetness helps us all feel a bit better.

In the living room, I pick up my discarded phone and look through all the message everyone sent each other. I finally enter in some of my own input before going back upstairs. In my room I catch up on the latest videos posted by the Capitol using my face and send the funniest one to Aella.

Later at night as I lay in bed, I wonder what dream I'll have tonight. I haven't taken my sleeping pills for a long time and slowly my night terrors stopped, and I started dreaming. They don't make any sense and I forget most of them, but I still enjoy having them and trying to puzzle out meaning from them like an oracle.

Not surprisingly, I've had a few dreams where I was in an arena, facing down mutts and peers. One time Orion was there too. I hadn't known he had been entered into the Hunger Games too. It was about halfway into the game and I was being chased by mutts through dense foliage. I became trapped between a wall of fire and a pack of them, but then Orion ran right through them and they were so surprised they just let us run away while they stared after us flabbergasted.

And I thanked Orion and he smiled at me and we made an alliance together and we were friends again. It was nice and after I woke up, I kept laying there trying to lengthen that time where we were together, but I knew it was over and that he probably wouldn't appreciate me thinking of him at all, so I got up.

I wonder if I'll dream about being in the Hunger Games again and I wonder if the real ones will ever stop.


	15. Chapter 15

All around me girls are squealing and cringing and ducking behind guys as if they haven't watched the Hunger Games since before they could crawl and could watch, and probably do, watch impalings right before bed while slicing into sweetbread.

The guys love it and wrap their arms around their cowering darlings with huge grins on their faces, anticipating later tonight and feeling manly and strong, as if they could survive the bloodbath of the first day.

We're all over at Penelope's house for a sleepover/party/Quarter Quell viewing. With nearly thirty people in the room, I can hardly breath although I really can't complain since I've got a pretty large space around me. I'm the only one not coupled or with a group of giggling and shrieking girls.

A boy from school, Alex, tries every now and again to sidle up to me, but I brush him off. Ever since he heard about my breakup with Orion he's been pursuing me. It's actually pretty impressive since I've been labeled as standoffish and none of the guys really talk to me anymore, but I know he's liked me for a long time, so I guess he's not ready to back down.

I can see him looking at me from across the room so I keep my eye on the screen and force myself to be engrossed in the happenings. Katniss is becoming more and more desperate and unhinged. It was pretty low when they brought in the jabberjays. You don't usually see such psychological manipulation in the Games. Usually it's all physical, but I guess they wanted an especially good show for the Quell. And I guess Finnick really does love Annie Cresta if his reaction is any indication. I wish the best for him.

I'm not sure how I feel about Katniss and Peeta. I want them to survive, but then, I want everyone to survive.

Alex comes over mumbling something about not being able to see the screen that well from where he was sitting and makes sure to press against me. I acknowledge him by scooting to the side. He's undaunted.

"It's getting really intense now. I bet at least one group will be wiped out before tonight."

I purse my lips.

"Who do you think'll win?"

I sigh.

"I don't know."

"Yeah, it sucks, right? They had like, all my favorite Tributes too. It's probably going to be Brutus, but it's too bad about Katniss and Peeta."

I don't respond and hope that he'll stop talking, but he's incessant. I finally make the excuse that I need to go to the bathroom but he stands up and says he'll walk me. I want to scream, but there's no getting rid of him. I stand up, resigning myself to having him follow me around all night when I hear an explosion. I turn back to the TV just in time to see the camera lose its connection.

We're all confused, there's never been any technical problems on this scale before. From the whispers around the room I find out that Katniss shot an electrified arrow up into the air right before the black out. My heart starts pounding in my ears. Is she trying to escape?

The program comes back on but it's not the arena. They play reruns of the Quell for a few minutes before the President comes on. Everyone breaths a sigh of relief. The President. Our great protector. He'll tell us what's going on. I want to turn away because I know he won't tell us anything true, but I'm curious about what he can possibly say to dismiss what's just happened.

"My fellow citizens of the Capitol. I have been loyal to you and served you with all my heart for many years and so I hope that I have been able to earn your trust."

Around me, I see a few head nods.

"And so I hope that you will trust in me as we step into a dark chapter of our history. The Districts have begun to rebel."

The responses are more varied than I'd expected. Some people gasp and start to panic. But most others, though looking somewhat anxious, keep their calm. The room breaks into a flurry of conversation, mostly trying to reassure each other that nothing will happen. This has happened before and the Capitol will soon crush the rebellion.

A couple guys start to joke that they'll implement some new twists to the Hunger Games.

Even Alex becomes caught up in the excitement and forgets me. I use the opportunity to sneak out. Leaning against the wall I try to wrap my mind around this. It's happening. It's finally happening.

I try to call Aella but she doesn't pick up. I'm not surprised. If anyone has something at stake with this rebellion, it's them.

Right after I hang up, my uncle calls me.

"Helena, are you okay?"

"Yeah," I say. My voice remaining level and calm.

It's enough to reassure him that I'm okay.

"Good. Now I just called to tell you that nothing's happening yet. The only thing that happened was that a few of the Tributes escaped from the arena, but it's not like all the Districts are at the Capitol with guns pointed at us or anything."

"Okay."

"It's probably going to take a while to build up to anything, so I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to be afraid of anything. I'll keep you and your parents abreast of everything so until then just keep living your life normally."

I want to tell him that I don't want to, but I just give him my assent.

"Are you at home?"

"No, I'm at a party."

"Oh okay, if you want you can stay there, but it'd probably be best to go home now. Your parents are probably worried about you. I'm going to call your dad now and tell him what I just told you, but still."

"Yeah, I understand. I'm going to call Perseus now."

"Great. I love you, Helena."

"Love you too, Uncle Jason."

After I ask Perseus to come get me, I lean back against Penelope's house, to try and think about all of this more in depth when Daphne comes out.

I pull myself off the building and start walking toward the street when she calls out to me to stop. When I don't, she runs up and grabs my arm.

"Helena, wait!"

She pulls me to a stop and I grudgingly acknowledge her. She looks desperate and excited at the same time.

"I know we have our differences, but we're still friends and I don't want you to get hurt. I joined this group. It's run by Plutarch Heavensbee-"

"The Head Gamemaker?" I say skeptically.

"He's always been opposed to the Capitol and the Hunger Games. He helped the Victors escape tonight, but anyways, we can protect you and your family when the fighting starts."

"Protect us? You think the Districts will make it all the way to the Capitol?"

"They're more powerful than you think. District 13 still exists."

"What?"

"It's true! They've been hiding underground, but they have technology that rivals the Capitol. That's how they escaped right now! They took a hovercraft out."

I feel a dull sense of dread and at the same time hope for the Districts. Maybe they have a chance.

"When the Capitol is overturned you'll need us as allies. We can vouch for you, make sure your family doesn't lose everything."

"What's your group done?"

"Nothing much, really. Right now we're just waiting."

"But what have you done?"

"Nothing, really! We haven't hurt anyone. The most we did was gather up a lot of the supplies the Capitol still has and secretly distributed them through the Districts."

"So you're the reason our shortages?"

"No, the Districts really aren't producing, you know that! We just helped along the inevitable."

I don't know what to think. Because of them there have been riots and people in the Capitol have been going hungry, but if what she's saying is true and that they gave the food back to the Districts, I'm not sure if that's such a bad thing.

"Look, I'm not saying you have to join us or agree with our methods, but when all this is over, remember me. I'll remember you."

"But what if you lose?"

She hugged me.

"Then I'll forget you," she said, but started grinning. "But we're not going to lose."

And with that she ran off to her home down the block.

I stared after her until Perseus honked. Inside, I mulled over everything that had happened tonight. It probably wasn't a bad idea to keep doors open and however I felt about Daphne, I was thankful that she still considered me her friend and that she was willing to help me and my family if we should need it.

What I couldn't figure out was why the Districts had gone to such lengths to rescue the Victors. It was flashy, in front of national television and it had taken away any chance of a surprise attack. Were they really that important?

At home my parents greeted me with strained smiles. My mother held me as we watched the President explain the situation and what steps were being taken to keep us safe. My father was on the phone with all his partners, trying to ensure that his business and our livelihood would be able to be maintained. I decided against telling him about Daphne's offer, thinking it best not to reveal it if and until the Districts' victory was assured. If they lost, I didn't want him to use Daphne as leverage to stay in or gain more power. I owed her that at the very least.

It was about two in the morning when Aella called back.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How're you and your family?" I asked.

"Okay. I talked to my brother. He said things are even more tense over there. His friends are making him stay low. He's not even wearing his uniform anymore. They're killing Peacekeepers left and right. He's doing his best to help everyone."

"Doesn't it make you feel... worthless?"

"Yeah. But there's nothing we can do here."

I debate whether or not I should tell her for a few beats, before I finally tell her about the group Daphne's involved in.

"If we get caught we'll probably be killed," I tell her.

"I know."

"Should I call her tomorrow?"

"Yeah."


	16. Chapter 16

I look around at the dozens of people in the observation room to make sure that no one is observing _me_, but as usual everyone is far too engrossed in their own work to pay me any mind now that I've finished my part for the day. Good. For me and the rebels.

Using my passcode, I go through the levels of security and look through all the videos that I need to in the Districts. I'm met with the same images I've been looking at for the last three weeks. Chaos and death. Except in District 2, of course, but that's to be expected. After confirming that the Rebels in District 11 are okay, I sign off because there's nothing to report on in District 12 and I've seen enough of it for a lifetime.

The day after President Snow's official announcement about the rebellion, I gave Daphne a call about meeting up with her and a friend. She was delighted but managed to keep herself in check knowing that I was still wary about her and her group. Bringing a couple of people higher in rank than her in the rebel group, we met at her house while her parents were out and they explained to Aella and me what exactly their mission was. They defined themselves as something called "humanitarians" and that they believed everyone should be treated equally and fairly.

Despite my reservations, I found myself nodding along to a lot of the things they said and was already thinking of joining when Daphne said we should recognize the real dangers in actually joining their ranks as opposed to being mere acquaintances.

And that's when I first found out about the District 12 bombing. I was confused. So confused, that I blurted out, "But my uncle said nothing was going to happen yet."

Daphne and the two other rebels exchanged glances and I blushed angrily. No! I'm not an air headed Capitol Girl anymore! I understand that the Capitol lies to us... but I didn't think my own family would...

They went on to explain that it happened minutes after the Tributes made their escape.

"But why?"

"It was probably a warning to the other Districts, like how they always use the "charred remains" of District 13 as fear fodder. They thought the Districts needed a fresh reminder. And District 12 isn't a huge loss compared to the others."

"So have the Districts given up?" I asked.

"No, and they can't. If they do, who knows what other atrocities the Capitol will come up with to torture them."

"So they'll keep going," I said.

"...until we win," Daphne said, grinning.

Or die, I thought, but I didn't say so aloud.

"Why did you save the Tributes?" Aella asked later.

"To get Katniss Everdeen."

We frowned.

"She's the one who started all this," Daphne said.

"I thought Plutarch Heavensbee was the leader," I said.

"No, not like that. She sparked the revolution in last year's Hunger Games."

"How?"

"When she and Peeta chose to die together rather than fight."

For the third time that afternoon I found myself in a state of confusion and realized that for all the late night talks I'd had with Aella, we really had no idea about anything.

"But wasn't that just a romanticized suicide pact?" Aella asked, taking over the "stupid" question role from me.

"Maybe, but that's not all the Districts saw. Whether she meant to or not, Katniss proved that the Capitol is not all-powerful. Her attempted suicide was already an act of rebellion. She refused to comply with the rules of the game."

And finally, my eyes opened and I understood. So that's why Katniss was put back in the Games.

"The Capitol is doing everything they can think of to destroy the Districts' morale, but that's only fueling them more," the rebel woman said.

"Do you still want to join us?" the rebel man asked, after looking between us.

"I don't think I can just sit here doing nothing," I answered. "Whether I really want all this to happen or not, things are going to change."

"I agree," Aella said, nodding. "I have a brother who's a peacekeeper in District 7, but he's also sympathetic to the Districts. My parents too. I'm sure once I talk to them they'll want to help."

After that they showed us a prerecorded message of Plutarch welcoming us into the cause and giving us a brief but thorough past to present history lesson about the previous rebellion. Namely, that District 13 was very much alive and thriving and that they had been lying in wait all these years, gathering followers throughout Panem, even in the Capitol, preparing for now. So it really was true. War had been brewing since before any of us and we were but tiny branches grafted on at the last moment. Once I'd absorbed this new information, I asked what they wanted us to do now, but they just told us to wait. It's not like I'd been expecting them to give me a gun with an order to go charging into the President's mansion, but I thought all this sitting around on our hands thing was over.

Getting up to go, the woman put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder and told us to be patient. Soon enough things wouldn't be quiet anymore.

For the next couple of days, Aella and I waited for commands or something, but nothing came except a few bits of intelligence. Finnick and Katniss Everdeen, among other Victors, were safe in District 13's underground and Katniss was being prepped into becoming the face of the rebellion, but Peeta Mellark and a few others had been captured and their fates remained unknown. I felt sorry for them and everyone who had and, no doubt, would suffer even more as this played out and wondered when I would suffer likewise. It almost made me glad that there was nothing that the rebels wanted from me, almost.

But luckily I didn't have to wait long for something to do after all. My uncle called me and said that although it wasn't under the best of circumstances, he had said himself that we should live life as normally as possible, and so he invited me to start working at the station. I thanked him and told him I'd start immediately and marveled at how stupid I was that I hadn't thought about it before.

I immediately called Daphne and asked her to ask the higher ups if they were in need of someone who had access to cameras all around Panem. She called back not ten minutes after we hung up, saying a position had just opened up.

When I arrived, my uncle smiled brightly and gave me a peck on the cheek. I asked him how things were in the Districts and he told me that it was nothing that the Peacekeepers couldn't handle. He gave no hint about District 12's fate and I smiled as brightly as I could back before he gave me my tasks.

During my break, I finally found time to slip off into the observation room and was as excited as I could be. Finally, field work! But when I entered, to my surprise, I found it full of people. Usually there weren't more than a handful of employees in there at a time, and I found myself caught in a staring contest with them. They look half frightened, half ready to fight me, but when they saw it was just me, they calmed down and gently asked me to leave since they had a lot of work to do and couldn't spare a monitor.

Back at my desk, I wondered how I could get past them. I'd seen a glimpse of someone's monitor: riots at some District.

While I was thinking, my uncle came by and sat down in front of me.

"Sorry, I should have told you you're not allowed to go in there anymore."

"What's going on?" I asked him.

"Did you see anything?"

"It was like the Hunger Games."

"Yes," he said, with an ironic laugh.

"I was trying to keep it from you, but the fighting's already started. We're going to tell everyone, of course, but we just wanted to make sure the Capitol was ready first."

I nodded.

"I want to see."

"No, Helena, this is not the Hunger Games."

"I want to see, please. I won't tell anyone. Uncle Jason," I whined. "I'm a journalist."

"That's exactly why I _can't_ let you see anything, my dear."

I pouted and pleaded a little more but he remained resolute, which reminded me why he was in charge of the station and why the President trusted him so much, so with no other choice I told him I understood and that I would stay away from any trouble. For the next few days afterwards, I started arriving early in the morning and leaving late. I watched everyone and everything that went on in the station trying to find a time when the observation room would be empty, but it never was, so I tried a different tactic. I started standing around outside as if I belonged there and was only just about to go in or had come out for a breather. Soon, Dionysus, one of my uncle's producers who was always quite fond of me, assumed that my uncle had given me clearance and we chatted right through the door.

Seeing me with him, no one questioned that I belonged there and he showed me everything. I saw peacekeepers lying motionless in the dirt with District men and women. And then I saw District 12, broken and black, it looked like the entire land had turned into coal. And the people. Dionysus started editing them out, all the skeletons and burnt flesh, what was left of faces frozen in terror and pain, but I saw them and I knew that I would never be able to forget. And that was the first mission I gave myself. I would get the original footage, all the undoctored images of the horror we'd visited on humans and I would circulate it throughout the Capitol no matter what. And then my uncle tapped me on the shoulder.

He was upset and nearly yelled at me, but after apologizing to him, he decided that since I had already seen everything and I seemed to be holding up well, I could join the media team as a creative consultant to rework footage to be shown in the Capitol. And I've been doing a very good job ever since. I managed to download the original footage and pass it on to the rebels while advising my team on how best to present videos so as to boost Capitol morale and demonize the Districts, while minimizing any sympathy that may be felt toward our enemies. I also check on the rebels in the Districts and pass on their status to Daphne who passes it on to whoever.

The day after my uncle sent our tampered footage to the President for approval, they aired it, saying the district had presented the clearest and most present danger to the Capitol and so with no other choice, the government had defended us. As if a bunch of coal miners had the tools or capabilities to do anything like that. But everyone ate it up and were thrown into fear, jubilation and hate. Everywhere I go, people are badmouthing the Districts, to say the least. My mother curses them every day and I listen, nodding along. Sometimes I imagine the day my parents find out about my involvement with the Rebels. Whether we win or lose, I will probably lose them. When I'm disowned, maybe I can live with Aella.

In other news, the Capitol continues to use my face to make videos and the things that my image says make me cringe, because they're exactly what I thought of the Districts not that long ago. After I tell Daphne this, that very night my account disappears and at least that's one thing off my mind, which is a very good thing health-wise. White hairs have been popping up all over my head and I've been having stomach ulcers so I'm back to dying my hair (though it's the same as my natural color) and popping pills, which reminds me of how weak I am and is also oddly comforting too, since it shows that although I'm still disconnected from my emotions, they're still here, somewhere.

As for Aella, as she predicted, all of her family joined the rebels too. She's been in constant contact with her brother and we don't see each other too often. Though the last time we met was the other day when I snuck her a video of her brother. He looked like he was holding up pretty well and she and her parents were really grateful.

After logging out, I say goodbye to my team and that I'll see them tomorrow. They barely look up. Nowadays they like keeping busy. I think it helps them feel like they have some sort of control over the war. It's late, but we had a full day today and I had no time to do the rounds earlier. I just hope my uncle's left. Unfortunately, he greets me as soon as I step out.

"Ah, Helena, you're still here? Well, perfect timing!" he says. "It's starting!"

My smile looks more like a grimace, but he doesn't notice as he puts his arm around my shoulders and guides me to the large TV at the reception area where Peeta Mellark sits beside Caesar Flickerman for, who knows? His last interview? My uncle told me about it just this morning. He said he was under strict orders not to tell anyone about it. If he had I would have been able to tell the group about him and maybe saved Katniss from any psychological and emotional torture that she might be going through.

He looks well. Like, full-body-polish well, which is fantastic, but thoroughly baffling. For one video, all of my equipment was confiscated and I was almost turned into an avox. Peeta Mellark is far more dangerous. He's the husband of the face of the revolution. What are they planning?

The things he says must be heartbreaking, but within the stillness in the office I see no sympathy for him, but I see now that he's the most noble person I have ever known with his dedication to his wife.

"...You have to imagine that in the past two days, sixteen people have died—some of them defending you... as bad as it makes you feel, you're going to have to do some killing, because in the arena, you only get one wish. And it's very costly."

"It costs your life," Caesar whispers.

"Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people? It costs everything you are."

"Innocent," someone says, spitting out the word. There are murmurs of ascent, but despite their feelings toward him, they're too curious about what he's saying to drown him out.

Everything he is, I think. So who is he now? Who are all these rebels? What is the Capitol? Who is the President? Who am I? Who are we who've allowed hundreds of children to die? Aren't we far worse murderers than Peeta? No wonder everyone has to take sleeping pills, no wonder we always have nightmares and try so hard to look beautiful with pounds of makeup and surgery. No one wants to face their true selves.

As I contemplate, Peeta gets more and more agitated on screen, talking about the rebels. Does he really believe that Katniss is not associated with them?

"So... you're calling for a cease-fire?" Caesar says.

"Yes. I'm calling for a cease-fire."

I'm stunned and if I wasn't leaning on my uncle, I would have sunk to my knees.

"What?" I say.

Luckily, no one hears me, as the office has erupted into discussion.

"Is this a trick?"

"Well at least Peeta's got some smarts. Hopefully they'll listen to him."

"Before we blow them all up."

They won't really listen to them, will they? They can't.

I pull away from my uncle and escape outside to where Perseus is waiting for me.

The next day I hear from Aella that everyone is furious at him.

"He must have been coerced," I say.

"Then he's a coward. Who knows what kind of impact this will have on the Districts!"

"He's been in the hands of the Capitol for the last month. Who knows what they did to him?"

"Why are you defending him?" Aella says, her frustration at me evident.

"I don't know. I just don't want to make judgments anymore without knowing everything first."

I play back the interview again. As I was watching it, I remember that I felt that something was a little off. I go over what I remember him saying in my head until I figure it out. The way he spoke about the Quell, it sounded like it had just happened. Didn't he say something like, the last two days? For a moment it makes me doubt him too. If they had only just captured him, they must not have had time to really do anything to him. So why did he sell out? But as I'm about to concur with Aella, I think of something else.

"I think he did that interview right after the Quarter Quell Fiasco. So of course he must be confused and upset. He was separated from his wife and unborn child. He just wants them safe. That must be all he's thinking about. He's trying to protect them. She's safe with us, but if we lose, the Capitol will still want her head. Maybe he's trying to appease them."

Aella doesn't seem convinced and after thinking over my reasoning again, I'm not all that convinced either. Maybe I'm just projecting myself onto him, but even I, who was completely against the Districts, changed.

When we hang up, I slide down on wall in my room and sit on the floor.

"Peeta Mellark. What are you going through?" I say to myself.

And then gasping, I sit up.

That video was made a month ago! So where is he now?


	17. Chapter 17

While before the war seemed to be moving along at a snail's pace, Peeta's interview seems to have marked the beginning of the end. A few days after the airing, Daphne tells me that Katniss has flown into District 8 to help in the war efforts there. It wasn't much, but she and her team did help take down a few hovercrafts, though they were unable to prevent the loss of a hospital. The tragedies of war.

Daphne also informs me that a team of rebels have made propos of the incident and have been airing them throughout the Districts and asks me to air them here.

Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of power or technical know how and refuse. It's vexing, knowing that Katniss and other rebels are doing so much to help in the cause and all I can do is watch and make reports. I wish I could see the propos because as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm starting to become disillusioned about all this.

I have no one to talk to about this, again. Aella and her family quickly moved up the ranks, doing things that she doesn't have access to tell me, but Daphne firmly keeps me at the bottom. To protect me, she says, but maybe it's because she doesn't fully trust me?

Not long after the propos, my uncle tells me at work about them himself. He says the President has scheduled another interview with Peeta to try and persuade the Districts to cease this futile and baseless war.

I ask him if I can go to the studio with him and he agrees, saying it'll be good field work and just look at me, so eager to be in the middle of everything. I'll probably take over after him.

At the studio, I stand back stage, staring out. I came here a few times with my friends, to watch the Tributes plead with us to love them so we'd save them in the arena. It was loud and bright and full of eager fans and expectations. Now there are just peacekeepers and government officials and one Victor.

I can't help but stare at him. He's so pale and thin. I can't imagine that anyone in the Capitol could believe that it's for fashion. He looks awful and terrified. Like that crazy Victor, Annie. No one took a word she said seriously. So how can anyone listen to him?

It's short and to the point. Peeta reiterates the same thing as before. He tells his wife to try and stop all this, he tries to make her doubt the cause. I don't know if she's breaking down in a District 13 bunker, but his pathetic mimicry of the President's sentiments reaffirm my decision to continue with this to the end.

My uncle nods beside me.

"Remarkably reasonable young man."

I try to tune him out. Peeta is handcuffed and marched past me. I want to do something to reassure him that he has friends even here, maybe a light pat on the shoulder or a squeeze of the hand, but I'm afraid in his surprise he'd give me away as a sympathizer.

There have been countless arrests already and there are more avoxes than ever before. Luckily for us, most of them are not actual rebels.

The next day I report that Districts 3 and 11 have taken their districts back. This is good news for all of us, since now the Districts and even us rebels in the Capitol will now have access to more food. Of course, that means the rest of the Capitol will continue languishing, but I neither have the luxury nor heart to concern myself with their plight. I still want the Capitol to come out of this alright, but I think a little suffering is necessary for us right now.

But of course my sentiment only backfires on me. The Capitol is in an uproar. They despise the Districts. They hate Katniss. They even hate Peeta. All they understand is that all their rights have been revoked and for what?

At home I receive a message from Daphne that Katniss and her cousin Gale are going back to District 12 to make more propos. She tells me to make sure no one sees them. It won't be a problem. No one is interested in District 12 anymore. Too many still living Districts to keep an eye on. Including District 13.

Although it started off small we started spreading rumors that District 13 still existed. It was successful and the President had to make an awkward speech about why he withheld that information from us and lied to us, but he did an excellent job, and everyone's too afraid about the rebellion and the shortages to be too angry at the government. They need something to cling to, they need hope. And President Snow has always been there. And everyone is further comforted with the announcement that he'll make a live appearance to try and dissuade the rebels from continuing, again. I look forward to his third attempt.

In the morning, I go in to work early and slip into the Observation Room unnoticed. A couple of my team are there, and I ask if they need any help, they tell me that there's no need and allow me to go to my station in the far corner of the room in peace. As everyone else files in later, I check if anyone's watching, but they're not. Once I know that everyone's busy with their own tasks, I go to District 12.

And there's Katniss. It's the first time I've seen her since the Fiasco. There's a camera crew with her and, of all people, Plutarch Heavensbee. A few seats away from me, my fellow employees stare at their own screens. If they only knew.

Although nothing much happens, I'm struck by the tragedy. She doesn't cry or collapse or faint. She just stands where her old home used to be, but it's hard to watch, even for me. The toll Peeta and everything has had on her is written all over her face. I avert my eyes as they walk through the rest of the District, but that's a mistake, because they go past the perimeter and into the forest and after that I'm left in the dark. They stay in there for hours. In the time they're gone, I manage to get some work done, but it's not much. I keep switching back to them and once I'm almost caught. After that, I leave it alone, deciding to wait to check out the footage when most everyone's gone.

When I do, I follow the group with my eyes as they walk to a different part of town. I don't recognize the area, but it must mean something to Katniss, because she stands there, talking to the camera about something important. I wish I could hear what she's saying. After that she goes to the Victor's Village where she spends a few minutes in her newer old house, and then they all pack up and leave.

All in all, most everything was done off screen, but that's probably a good thing. Watching them made me feel like a Capitol lackey and Katniss no doubt needed some privacy, though with all those people around her, I'm not sure how much of that she got.

The next day is the day for the President's onscreen appearance. I'm at home with my mother. My father is out somewhere trying to piece his business back together. Other than him and his partners, the streets are even more deserted than usual. Everyone is in their homes, glued to their screens. I don't know about everyone else, but to me, this feels like a last ditch effort. The Capitol will still have their propos, which they air 24/7, but after today, I think for everyone the war will feel real, that a nice little chat, won't solve anything.

When Peeta comes on, I know he's not doing himself any favors. He looks crazed and sick and I'm sure if there weren't a million guards posted, he'd attack someone. But still he's able to talk. My mother listens intently and nods along to every incrimination he speaks of. I clench my jaw and try to bear through it until all of a sudden Katniss appears on screen. She's standing at that last place she was before she went to the Victor's Village.

"Peeta, this is your home."

I'm so shocked, I barely make out the first part of what she says.

My mother screams and the rest is lost before the original program is back on.

Even so, she trembles, and I wrap my arms around her, but both our eyes remain fixed on the screen. Soon enough, another rebel propo switches on, this time of Finnick. He looks awful too, but nowhere near as bad as Peeta, but then anyone would look better next to him.

Over and over again, the Capitol watches a battle take place before our very eyes. I wonder if this is as far as the war will come here. I doubt it. I smile as I hear Finnick and Katniss talk about their former friends, all dead now. It's sad, of course, but I'm just too happy that the rebels have made it onto the airwaves here to be disheartened by the message. In one shot, Katniss is singing a strange song as one of her camera crewmen watches her, transfixed. Above them sit a multitude of birds that looks familiar, but I can't place. She's wonderful.

I get so caught up in it, that I ignore Peeta and the frantic looking President, just waiting for the next propo, until Peeta is asked to say something to Katniss.

It's hard for him, I wonder why. He's said everything so well up to now. Then I realize he isn't repeating lines that he'd been forced to memorize. He's trying to speak his own words.

"...No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts. And you... in Thirteen... Dead by morning!"

The rebels switch back soon after, but not before we hear the President shouting to turn off the camera. The two programs switch back and forth faster than before, no doubt causing panic and confusion everywhere. For the first time today I'm more interested in Peeta than the propos. Apparently no one's thought to turn off the camera, because all of Panem can see and hear him being beaten. I don't know if it's to either side's advantage.

My mother sobs outright and I keep holding her and rocking her. She has real fear now for the Districts. If they can take over the airwaves, what else can they do? I sigh and do my best to calm her down. But then there's hope. She admits that she's starting to be afraid of the Capitol too. Just one word was enough to kill Peeta.

I don't know what to think. Peeta was murdered on camera, but he was able to warn District 13 about an attack. But would that be enough? It wouldn't take the Capitol long at all to get hovercrafts there. They were probably there already! I tried to look on the bright side. Maybe they'll all get to safety in time. But even if they don't, we'll still keep fighting. Katniss is the Mockingjay, whatever that means, but there are other leaders!

And then of all things, I remember those birds that were listening to her sing. Mockingjays. They were mockingjays.

Later, after she's calmed down, I leave her sleeping on the couch. Cassie comes by with a blanket and we smile sadly at each other before I pass her. I want to talk to Daphne or Aella, but it's too risky to communicate now unless it's in person. And with the broadcast breach, they'll probably be looking for a mole. I'll have to lay low indefinitely. I guess I'm back to sitting and waiting.


	18. Chapter 18

At work I find out exactly what happened after Peeta's announcement. We started bombing District 13 and my uncle says that it'll continue for at least the next few days. I try to ask Daphne and Aella about it, but they admit that they don't know anything for sure themselves. The last contact they received from District 13 was that they were all going further underground until the bombs ceased.

On every screen in the studio they show the bombing. It looks even worse than the old airings they showed of Thirteen. And experts and analysts talk about the unlikelihood of survival. I half believe them because all of their statistics and facts sound so legitimate and I don't have anything else to go on. Daphne is convinced that they're alright, but admits that there are succession protocols in case Plutarch dies and that she hopes that if they saved anyone, it should have been Katniss.

I remember those brief seconds of her on TV, how brave she looked and empathetic. She has something about her that draws people to her, and for a moment I wish that she had agreed to be on my show. And then I get the crazy idea to start making videos again, where I could openly state my opinions, tell everyone the truth, like I had been planning to do, but of course President Snow would never let anyone see it, and then I'd be killed for sure, but not before I was tortured into giving up Aella and her family and Daphne.

As the days go by, I find myself pacing at home or just sitting quietly at my station at work, biting my lip and staring into space. But luckily I don't stand out. Everyone is pretty much acting the same way, even my uncle. Whenever we talk he looks distracted and worried. At one point when I come to, I look around at all the faces around me and realize why we're going to lose the war, regardless what happens to District 13.

Every single person is caught up in their own fears that no one notices anyone else. No one tries to comfort anyone, no one cares about anyone else other than themselves. I never noticed before because, well, it's easy to be friendly when everything's going right, and nothing's ever gone so back bad before.

The Capitol is all about separation. We separated Panem into distinct Districts and make them fight each other, we're even further removed from the rest of Panem, and then there's Westside and the Eastside, and even the avoxes, we make sure they can't interact with anyone ever again and all the way up to the President, who sits secluded and protected inside his home. He's been trying to make us believe that we're all united against the Districts, but we're not.

I can't even remember the last time I talked to or saw Andy or Penelope. I guess when it really comes down to it, there's no real relationship in the Capitol. Thinking about Orion, I laugh at how stupid I was, thinking we were so in love and comparing us to Katniss and Peeta? Peeta died and almost died multiple times to save Katniss and she's done the same for him. And she even vounteered for the Games in place of her sister. And Orion? He dumped me the moment I ran into trouble with the government. And me? I flirted with Finnick every chance I got and I would get so mad or cry if Orion so much as looked at me "funny".

The next night I finally hear that most everyone at District 13 is okay and that the bombing have finally ceased. And most importantly, Katniss is alive, but the biggest news doesn't come until the next day.

As I'm getting into my car, Daphne's car pulls up and she jumps out to greet me and asks if she can borrow one of my dresses for her mother's birthday. I tell her of course, and we run upstairs to my room and while I search through my closet, she tells me why she's really here.

"District 13 is sending out a team to rescue Peeta and the other Victors being held captive."

"So he's alive?" I say, surprised. I don't know if this is a good thing or not though.

"Yeah. During the rescue mission, they're going to try and distract the Capitol by airing more propos. Can you make sure that they stay on?"

I pull out a dress that would look great on her.

"I'll do my best."

I hand it to her and she takes it.

At the station, everyone is as distracted with their own thoughts as ever, which makes it easy for me to get into the broadcast room. Since the last time we aired the propos, I decided I should expand my abilities and started getting a basic understanding of the technical side of production.

At exactly 12 o'clock, it begins. Katniss flashes across the screen, but she doesn't stay on long. Instead, she's replaced with Finnick. At first I'm so confused that I forget the reason I'm here, until someone switches the network back over to us.

Now the room is all in a frenzy. Everyone wakes from their stupor and goes back on alert to make sure they don't lose control again. I follow their example. I don't know what the rebels in District 13 are exactly doing, but it doesn't matter. I just need to do my part to make sure the rescue team is safe.

The next time it switches back to Finnick, I'm ready. I pull out a couple plugs and scramble some wires, making sure to make everything look accidental.

It buys him some time, but it's hard for me to concentrate on my job the more I listen to him. Whenever I saw Finnick he was always laughing or flirting but it's like he's a completely different person.

The things he says about the president is surprising, although it shouldn't be. And I can tell that at least a couple people are shaken, including me. But even knowing how corrupt and awful the president really is, I didn't realize just how terrible he was. No wonder Finnick was so good at getting people to fall for him, he had so much practice.

I wipe a few hot tears away and think on the times he guest appeared on my videos, I probably helped him get more customers. I silently apologize to him. When he's finally done, I disappear into the backdrop. No one noticed me, they were too busy trying to stop the broadcast and, I think, listening.

Everyone at the station is kind of frozen in place, still staring at the screens even though it was clear Finnick finished.

I weave through them and leave, knowing I won't be missed. I exit and come out into the sun. It's hot today and my house is miles away, but for now I want to walk, as far as I can. Thinking about everything Finnick said, I just feel ashamed of being a Capitol citizen. I can't understand how I used to blindly adore President Snow. And all those other people he talked about, I even recognized a couple names as some of the stockholders in my father's company.

After a long time of walking, I finally have to sit down. My legs hurt and I'm still so far away from home. I feel so pathetic that I don't even have the stamina to get home. My neck stings, it's probably sunburned.

As I sit on the sidewalk, luckily no one's around to judge me, I hear someone call my name and see Aella. She plops down next to me and says she was on her way to see me. She says good job on keeping the propo aired.

I ask her if she saw it.

She shakes her head.

"I was helping the rescue team get the Victors out."

I stare at her, but she doesn't give me any more details.

"They're halfway back to District 13 by now."

"That was fast."

"It had to be. What are you doing out here?"

"I was trying to walk back home."

She laughs and shoves my arm.

"So why'd you stop? It's only a mile down from here."

Standing, she offers me her hand and helps me up and gives me a hug.

"Don't look so down, we're winning!"

I hug her back and smile because she's right. By the end of the week the only district that's still under Capitol control is District 2, but that's to be expected. I'm amazed by how a few words from Katniss were enough to do this. I tell Aella that she should be marketed as the antithesis of President Snow the next time she visits and she says that she already is, as the Mockingjay. When I ask her why mockingjays are so significant.

"You know how they were created right?"

"Yeah."

"They're like a constant reminder to the Capitol of one of their biggest failures during the rebellion."

"But that was such a little thing."

"Yeah, but you see? They were a mistake, but now they're everywhere. They didn't just survive, Helena, they're thriving."

And I suppose she's right.


	19. Chapter 19

With about a minute to go, I make my way downstairs, hearing my steps echo through the relatively empty house, until I reach the living room. Turning on the TV, I settle into the couch, tuning out the news broadcast until the rebels take over.

Yesterday, Daphne told me to be sure to watch the propo today. She didn't tell me anything about it, but I'm sure it's just more dazzled up footage of our victory in 2. Still, in order to humor her and keep abreast of everything, I decide to watch, and to my utter surprise, I see a very familiar face light up the screen. It's Finnick's insane lover, Annie Cresta, but you would never know it looking at her. I pull forward on the couch to get a closer look. Although she's wearing a bright green dress, it's obvious what's going on.

A second later, the camera shifts to Finnick, whose eyes are glued to his bride, walking down the aisle.

I'm completely thrown off. I thought we were in the middle of a war, and if anyone was going to have a wedding, it was going to be Katniss and Peeta.

I don't know what to make of this. It seems so wrong, after all that footage of death and suffering, but then I guess that's just every day stuff, and as I keep watching, the past few days almost melt away, because you can't feel anything but happy for them, just seeing how they're looking at each other.

We're probably airing this to rub our win in the Capitol's face, but whatever the agenda behind the video, I know that two people are genuinely happy in the midst civil war and although I don't know what it's making everyone else feel, it fills me with hope that one day things will be better.

As I loosen up, I curl up on the couch and peel my eyes away from the bride and groom at times to look around. The wedding hall is filled to the brim with all sorts of mismatched people who don't look like they belong at all, but you know that Finnick and Annie don't care, and that makes me not care either.

At certain times, the wedding is interrupted by my uncle, but not for long, and not often. During those moments, I just keep staring at the screen, knowing that all their efforts at the station are pointless. And after we took District 2, maybe everyone's looking for something happy, even if it's the happiness of their enemies.

With the announcement that the Capitol had lost the majority of its weaponry and man power, all revelry had ended and the streets emptied once again.

With all this tension and real threat looming over us, my uncle convinced my father to make me stay home from work, despite my protests, and I am once again just nothing, doing nothing.

But I really don't want to get into all that again, so I watch the wedding and let my old habits resurface.

"That's a really good angle on her," I say to myself.

"Mm, they should have done a close up there."

"Just a dab or two of eyeshadow would have done it."

"The lighting is a bit off."

After the ceremony is dancing and I laugh at what can only be described as District 13's first attempt, and I think it's wonderful, how District 12 and Plutarch Heavensbee is having an influence there. And I'm sure it goes both ways. The sharing of culture. Didn't people used to do that way back when?

When it's over, I turn off the TV and lean back. Now with that out of the way, I know all that's left is more fighting and jumping up, I go off to find Cassie to help her rearrange the house.

A week later, distant sounds of construction begin and the first displaced family moves in. It seems ridiculous, the traps and soldiers marching around this area of the Capitol of all places, but we know it's real when they air shots of rebels marching through our streets. My heart pounds with each new face and when they're blown to bits or escape the traps.

By the next week, I've managed to sneak Aella and her parents into our house too. We give her parents the lounge and Aella moves into my room. I'm glad to have an ally and my closest friend with me and sometimes at night we climb onto the roof and try to see the fighting for ourselves, but they're always too far away.

With the country in a state of war and 6 families stuffed into our house, the television is never off and I begin to loathe it. I'd never realized how much our lives revolved around that stupid thing, sucked into whatever topic, never questioning the obvious biases.

Everyone is either silent or in a state of panic. Aella and I try to calm everyone down, try to humanize the Districts, but it doesn't work. We become frustrated, seeing as this is the only outlet we have to help in the cause, but then, the Capitol has never really viewed them as human, so it was kind of a stretch anyway.

One time the woman living in my old studio accuses us of being sympathizers, and in a near hysterics, almost gets the other families to mob us. But luckily my father was home at that time, and he vehemently rejected that notion, which made me wince, and said that he didn't care what the President said, he would kick them out if they ever threatened his family again, and that quickly ended that, but it still hasn't stopped her from glaring at us every time she sees us. And I think she's even taken to spying on us, which makes any kind of substantial communication between Aella and myself almost impossible, but she falls asleep really early, probably a symptom of depression, and that works out fine for us because at night, the children have trouble sleeping. Too many nightmares.

That's when we try to comfort them, while their parents are lying in stupors induced by their sleeping pills. They go through them like mad. I even gave them my old ones. But anyways, at nights, Aella and I lie in bed whispering about the rumor that Katniss is coming to kill President Snow until the knocks start.

Then we jump up and let the kids in. There's three of them, aged between 5 and 9. They were insufferable the first few days they were here, but then they just started whimpering about going home and became so pathetic that I couldn't help but like them.

When we open the door, they shuffle in quietly, with barely a word.

"Remember, don't tell your parents," Aella reminds them.

They nod, and afterward, we begin playing. Card games, guessing games, throwing games... and we even make videos with my tab, making up skits on the fly. And in between we get to talk.

"How do you feel about what's happening now?" Aella asks.

"Bad," Leon says.

"That's how the kids in the Hunger Games felt, too. It's not a nice feeling, huh?"

He shakes his head.

Around midnight, the children tire out and collapse on the floor. We pick them up and take them back to their rooms and tuck them in. It's really sweet and I think that this is what a family must be like when you have nothing else. No servants or television, just each other.

During the day, when we can't avoid the TV, we, or, really just me, try to guess where the footage is airing from, but they never show any identifying marks. All we know is that the fighting is within the city boundaries, but not close enough to my house to be a threat to us, but it's so quiet, that when we sit outside, we can hear the gunfire and see the smoke.

We're sitting on the sidewalk arguing about which one of us would be more useless in combat, when Leon runs out to tell use that Katniss is in the Capitol.

We run back in and sure enough, there she is, standing in the middle of a lavish neighborhood in stylish war attire with a retinue of soldiers behind her.

"She looks pretty," Nicki says, before being scolded by his mother.

"She's trying to kill us!" His father says.

"Why did they let her get away with that trick in the Hunger Games she played with Peeta? They should have killed them both!"

"They were way too lenient on them!"

It escalates, the worse sort of verbal abuse I have ever heard, and I want to make them stop, but I can't, so I turn to Aella to pull her away, when her mother screams and the room goes silent except for the TV.

Then glaring at them, she says, "Stop it! You're scaring your children."

And we all look at them and see them sad and terrified of their parents. They grumble out of pride but pick them up and comfort them, and things remain civil after that, but I wonder how long it will last. We've already had two incidents and we don't know how long this war will last.

One night, Aella decides to sleep with her parents instead, and as I pass their room, I hear them talking, and I miss being able to talk to my mother and father about the things most important to me, and I'm sorry that the most important things to me all my life were the newest dress and the cutest Victor.

When I manage to get a hold of Daphne, it seems that she's not doing much more than us. The time for spies is over. The war is in the open now, and it's all up to the soldiers. And she has no information about anything since all resources and energy and time are being spent on the physical war... so I just hope that they don't forget about us... and then Katniss gets blown up.

Watching it with all the squatters, at first I hope that it's a trick by the Capitol, but they wouldn't be so stupid as to pull something like that when it's so easy to prove that she's alive. And then President Coin announces the tragedy.


End file.
